It is amazing to me how much can be accomplished when you have a clear head and arent chasing after your next high. Four years ago i was a drug addict, alcoholic nobody about to lose my family, so if someone had told me where I would be now, I would have called them a liar.
I am no longer addicted to anything but life, God, my family, and maybe my love for riding and our motorcycles, lol. I have been so blessed, much more so then I deserve, of that i am sure!
My life is everything i always wished for when I was a little girl, I have an amazing husband (without which none of this would be possible) great kids, and im healthy. For me there is just no way things could be any better! Im so unbelievably happy. Here are some pics of my family and our motorcycles.
Everyone at some point in their life will have to overcome obstacles, and i am no exception. The 2 biggest things in my life that i have had to overcome are the death of my daughter and alcohol and drug addiction. When my daughter passed away i was in so much pain i wanted to give up on everything, and if it wasnt for my son needing me i would have. To lose a child is the most soul crushing experience there is, and my heart gos out to anyone else who has ever had to suffer through it. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that i will see my daughters beautiful face again when my time is up. I have a very deep appreciation for my children and i am very emotional when it comes to a child or baby being mistreated, meaning if i see someone doing it i will go off on there head. (not kidding)
The second hardest thing i had to overcome was my addiction to alcohol and prescription pain killers. I have had a problem with alcohol since i was very young, i was 12 when my parents started to notice, but they didnt care enough to try to stop me, so by the time i was 15 i had legally died twice , i was then put in AA and graduated even though i was drinking the whole time . When I was about 21 i developed an addiction to pain killers after having several ovarian cysts rupture, the only time i was clean was when i was pregnant, if i wasnt pregnant i had something in my system. My rock bottom was in june of 2011. i weighed about 100 pounds, i would eat a mini bag of chips every few days, and i was drinking a half gallon of liquor plus a 12 pack every single day, and my tolerance to pills was so high that it wasnt worth buying them, i was away from my family, and about to lose them forever when Darrell asked me to come up while the kids were at his mothers, he said we would have fun so He bought a bunch of alcohol just so i would come up. The next morning we talked about everything and he made me take a huge first step to getting clean, he made me pour all of the leftover alcohol down the sink, and i cried when i did it. After that i relapsed on july 26th of 2011, darrell married me 3 days later and i have been clean and sober ever since. so now i try to help people who have lost children or are dealing with addiction, i want everyone to know that no matter how bad things are they can always get better and there is hope.
What obstacles have you had to overcome in your life? If you feel like sharing you can do so in the comments, or if you want you can write a post about it and i will reblog it, as long as its clean.
But retain my memories i would, so i remember what not to do and what i should.
I wish i had always been the person that i am now, but i couldnt back then i didnt know how.
The lies i told i can not count, i wonder will my loved ones always doubt?
So i ask of you this, see me as i am, really see, im not the same as i used to be.
help someone, somehow, somewhere, some day,.
The truth sometimes hard to tell,
but to see the way, you must lift the vail.
So i tell my stories and let you in,
so you’ll know who i am and where i’ve been.
Read my words and learn from my error’s,
addiction is powerful, and creates many terrors.
Life is hard, of this there is no doubt,
but alcohol and drugs lead down the wrong route.
This is my message, take from it what you will,
but i speak the truth, i’ve lived it, i am the real deal.
Let me start by saying that i know a lot of people will not like this post,but oh well it really needs to be said. anyone who has read much of my blog, knows that i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, you would also know that i do not say things like well i had a disease so its not my fault. But i have seen more and more people here lately, who dont take responsibility for their own actions because addiction has been labeled a disease, which is not something i agree with.
A disease in my mind is not something that you have the power to control, for example cancer. you can not wake up and say i dont want to have cancer any more, i am sick of this disease and then poof you dont have cancer anymore, but you can do that with addiction. people seldom do, but it can be done. people (especially addicts) use anything they can as an excuse. and because people call addiction a disease that gives the addict a (its not my fault card). I remember when i had just gotten sober, i had 28 days clean, that night i went to an aa meeting which went well, until i heard someone say if you relapse its okay, it happens to all of us. BOOM there it was my excuse to use, the next day i was drunk. it devastated my husband and family, and as if that wasnt bad enough i did this 3 days before my wedding day. I thank God every day that my husband didnt listen to all the people who said i would never change, and that he had the courage to marry me. and i think it is safe to say that anyone who had their doubts about me at that time is now very glad that darrell and i got married. anyway my point is i saw an excuse and i used it. I think that all of the labels we put on things now really does more harm than good, because once something has a name it is considered wrong to say anything bad about the person behind the label. So if i were to tell another addict they are selfish, inconsiderate, and that they are the one to blame for their problems, people would come from every direction to tell me how i dont know what im talking about, and that it is not their fault it is the disease. Sometimes in life you have to admit that you are the one to blame and that you are the only one who can fix the problems that you created. I will leave you with one of the best pieces of advice i have ever received, when i quit using my husband looked at me and said always be true to yourself, because if you are true to yourself, let go of the excuses, and stop trying to put the blame somewhere else it makes messing up a lot harder.
When we first met we were both hanging around a lot of trashy people, who did a lot of trashy things, anyway darrell asked me to go to dinner with him which was the first time anyone had ever asked me to go out with them in an appropriate way, i had been asked hey you wanna go get drunk? but never asked to dinner. So i was impressed just by that alone, everything was going great, and he made me laugh more than anyone i had ever met. about 2 weeks after we started dating, he used coke at a party we went to, and thats when i found out he was addicted to cocaine and that he had just gotten out of rehab, i told him we could still be friends but that i could not be with someone who did drugs. we had a long conversation about how rehab had told him he would continue to lose everything if he kept using, he said now i know they are right and he promised he would never use again. That was 13 years ago and he has been clean ever since. Now i was already an alcoholic when we met, i had even completed a.a. but i didnt really think i had a problem i just thought i was young and liked to party (i was wrong). years later i started getting ovarian cysts, which are really painful, so my doctor started giving me pain killers, things got bad, i was constantly going to the er or a different doctor, and when they stopped giving them to me i started buying them off the street. Fast forward a few more years later and darrell was the one helping me overcome my addictions to alcohol and pain pills. Now What are the odds, i mean darrell met me someone who was against drugs, in a place filled with drug addicts, that alone is a miracle, and if he hadnt who knows where he might have ended up. If i had looked at him that night and said no big deal its okay, would he have stopped using? God knew that he needed me back then, and that i would need him later on. We have both had moments where we felt like giving up, but we never wanted to give up at the same time, and we have pulled each other back from the darkest places, that most never come out of. He makes me a better person, as i do him, yes we have had some pretty terrible times in our relationship, but we fought for us and refused to quit. My marriage is one of the things i am most proud of, only coming second to our children. The last 2 years and 9 months we have both been clean and sober, and we are so happy, and so much more in love than ever before. we are both incredibly thankful to have found each other. We beat the odds, and I thank God every day for bringing us together.
Iv’e always heard people say that they love their children so much, that they would die for them,which is a sweet thought i guess, but most of the time you are not going to have to do that. what you will need to do is live for them. My dad was such a wonderful person when i was younger, he worked really hard, loved God and his family, and when my mother left us, he took on the burden of raising 3 daughters on his own. He did okay for a little while, until he started to realize my mother was not coming back. He started drinking, not a lot at first but it became more and more, and over the years i have seen this man that i love so dearly, who was once my hero, turn into a bitter shell of the person he used to be. I really idolized my dad, and as time went on i wanted to do everything like him, walk like him, talk like him, act like him, and DRINK like him. My dad never did anything without a beer, if he was mowing he had to have beer, camping he had to have a lot of beer, the same with fishing, working, watching t.v., or anything else. I grew up watching and doing this, and thinking it was normal, and any other way was stupid, and guess what i turned out to be, an alcoholic. Your children watch you and pay attention, now i know not all children turn out like their parents, whether good or bad, but the thing is if you love them like you say you do, then why take a chance. We should be being the best examples we can for our children. Think about it this way, if you come home and say i have had a hard day, and the first thing you do is grab a beer, then you are teaching your kids when things get hard it helps to drink. my dad has never found drinking to be a serious problem, I remember one time when i was 13 my dad realized i had been stealing some of his beer, well he came up with this great idea that he would teach me a lesson about drinking by giving me a drink, so he poured 2 shots of mezcal tequila, one for him and one for me, he took his, i took mine, he threw up, i asked for another, and you know what is sad he still jokes about it to this day, even after all the problems alcohol has caused me. Now my father has lost everything, his job where he worked for 33 years, his wife, his home, his license, his health and himself. It breaks my heart to see him in this condition, and he still says theres nothen wrong with drinken some beer. I am a very lucky person, i was able to come out of my addiction, even though it was so deeply ingrained in me, that i had to relearn everything. I was lucky because so many people just can not change their way of thinking, it is all they know and most of the time its all they wanna know. Its like spending your whole life knowing that the sky is blue and then having everyone around you saying no your colors are all wrong, the sky is nowhere near blue. your children live by example, so show them how much you love them every day, by being the best example you can be. Just telling them how to act is not enough, actions speak louder than words.
It has recently came to my attention that Pulaski va which is where i live, has allowed a methadone clinic to move in. I was really saddened to learn this, because methadone is a very dangerous drug. Methadone is a synthetic opioid that is most commonly used in the so called treatment of opioid dependancy, which if it did cure drug addiction that would be great, but it doesnt you merely trade in one drug for another. I myself am a recovering drug addict, I have been clean for two years and six months, and I use to know a lot of people that went to the methadone clinic in Galax va, all of them went for pill addiction and none of them had any interest in getting clean. Now even when i was using drugs i thought the concept of this was crazy. These people supposedly stopped using pills and started using methadone, and this is an improvement how? methadone has many of the same effects as heroin and morphin and it is even more deadly. Methadone alone kills at least 10 people every single day and in a years time will claim the lives of 5,000 people. That is more than any other presciption drug out there. So this supposed treatment is more dangerous than the drugs it claims to save you from. If you take someone who is addicted to pills and give them a drug that is much more addictive, much stronger, and much more dangerous where is the intelligence in that? Any good rehab will tell you that you can not trade one drug for another, its not just the drug use you have to change, but your whole way of thinking, that is if you want to be successful in freeing yourself from addiction. The only thing that works is dedication and seperating yourself from the people, places, and things that you associate with drugs. Drug addicts want drugs, so as long as the clinics are dishing it out, there will be people accepting it. But at what cost? Now my question is why, why is the government allowing these deadly drugs to be given to drug addicts? and why are we the people not doing anything to stop it?
This weeks Life through the lens challenge is pain, so i chose the two things that have been responsible for 90 percent of the pain i have had in my life, whether that be me using these items, me trying not to use these items or other loved ones and family members who do. They come with a promise of peace and bring nothing but pain for the user and the surrounding people.
I did something day before yesterday that i thought was impossible, I quit smoking.
It has been almost 48 hours since i had my last cigarettes and i kinda feel like pulling my hair out or chewing my own tongue off at times, but all in all its going pretty well. Especially considering i was a smoker for 20 years and that i really loved my smokes, but i love my life and my family more. I think the last straw for me was when i talked to my dad the other day and he told me he has copd, that kinda made it a reality that every time i smoked one of my cigarettes i was slowly and willingly killing myself.
I never thought i would be able to call myself a nonsmoker but here i am, truthfully i was getting a little worried, i couldnt even walk from my car to my front door without being extremely out of breath and my heart racing so fast that i felt like it was gonna burst outta my chest. Its funny how when you’re done you’re just done, and you know it. In the past i said i was gonna quit, but in the back of my mind i knew i had not had my last smoke, like i said i really enjoyed my cigarettes. But now i am done, i love my kids, my husband, and myself way to much to throw it all away just so i dont have to be uncomfortable right now. Though i am done no matter what, i really hope this want for a cigarette gos away with time, cause it sucks really bad, lol.
I cant tell you how much all of my new friendships here on wordpress have meant to me, i have met some truly wonderful and inspiring people, who have helped me see stuff about myself that i never realized before. My tiny little blog which was initially meant to help others has probably helped me more than it will ever help anyone else. It has became my escape, my refuge, a place where i can come and bear my soul, and even though i have told you some of my darkest and worst moments, i have never felt anything other than encouragement and support from you. Those are very important things to have for anyone, but for a recovering drug addict, and alcoholic, it is that much more important. I especially am constantly doubting myself not my sobriety, but myself. Am i really a good person now, or am i just kidding myself, am i really a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, i could go on and on. But my new friends here have no reason to lie to me, you all dont have to worry about running into me at the grocery store, so there are no awkward moments trying to be avoided. You dont want anything from me, (which is good cause i have nothing to offer). You are my friends simply because you want to be. And you have no idea how much that means to someone like me. So thank you all so much, i appreciate and value each and every one of you.
Your friend Diana
I dont think i have mentioned it in any of my other posts but i am a smoker, i have been trying to stop for many years, but i always seem to get stuck on about three a day. I have been smoking since i was 9, and at 12 my mother started buying them for me, mother of the year yawl. I am 29 now so i have been a smoker for 20 years. My husband though has never even took a puff off of a cigarette, and has been determined for the better part of 13 years to turn me into a non smoker. Just saying that seems so strange, me a non smoker. Smoking is the one thing that has not changed about me in 20 years, to me it just seems like me. I remember a few years back complaining to my mom that darrell (my husband) wouldnt stop fussing about me smoking, her response was, he isnt your daddy you dont have to listen to that. Now that i am not drunk or on dope, i cant believe she said that, what parent gets mad at someone who is trying to save their daughters life, Mother of the year strikes again. But I use to really love smoking, it brought me so much pleasure, and my cigarettes were always there for me when i needed a friend. But now every time i light one up the only feelings i have are guilt and fear. I know that i am doing something that will eventually kill me, i try to justify it sometimes but it doesnt work anymore. And images of my death bed flash into my head, or my children standing at my casket with their hearts broken all because i needed another cigarette. I know that this is going to be another thing i have to just quit, i am not a person who can taper off, or use a nicotine replacement, as i would just get addicted to that to. But that last step is proving to be the hardest. I have fought it for so long and i am tired. Tired of not eating whenever i want to because i know i will want a cigarette afterwards, tired of sneaking around so that my kids dont see it, and tired of being selfish knowing that with every drag i take i am one step closer to death. I yearn for the day when i will not be dependent on any kind of chemical. So i have to ask a favor of anyone who reads this, keep me in your prayers as i will be trying to quit again. And maybe within the next few weeks i will be rid of my last addiction, and be a non smoker again for the first time in 20 years. I also have to say thank you to my husband, he has been my rock through everything, and if it were not for him i would be lost. I love you babe, thanks for standing up for whats right and not wavering.