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Posts tagged “alcohol

Blogging and Followers

me

me


Hey everyone as of today i have been blogging for exactly one year, yay.
It really doesnt seem like it has been that long, i mean im just now getting use to calling myself a blogger.
It has been great though, i have gotten to know some amazing, and truly inspiring people, and maybe, (hopefully) even helped a few along the way.
One thing that happened that i didnt expect, is that blogging has really helped me in a big way, its helped me to see my self in a different light. When i first started this i still felt like a failure, even though i had already been clean for more than 2 years, i still felt like that same drug addict and alcoholic, but now i dont. Writing things out and letting everyone see who i really am has helped me discover things about myself that i didnt realize before. I love blogging and i so enjoy reading all my followers comments, your support and encouragement means so much to me, after all without followers blogging really doesnt mean much at all. So a very special thank you to all of my friends and followers, it has been great getting to know all of you, and i look forward to another year of crazy posts and comments.

Thanks
Diana Roark aka mommyx4boys


Overcome

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAimagesEveryone at some point in their life will have to overcome obstacles, and i am no exception. The 2 biggest things in my life that i have had to overcome are the death of my daughter and alcohol and drug addiction. When my daughter passed away i was in so much pain i wanted to give up on everything, and if it wasnt for my son needing me i would have. To lose a child is the most soul crushing experience there is, and my heart gos out to anyone else who has ever had to suffer through it. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that i will see my daughters beautiful face again when my time is up.  I have a very deep appreciation for my children and i am very emotional when it comes to a child or baby being mistreated, meaning if i see someone doing it i will go off on there head. (not kidding)

The second hardest thing i had to overcome was my addiction to alcohol and prescription pain killers. I have had a problem with alcohol since i was very young, i was 12 when my parents started to notice,  but they didnt care enough to try to stop me, so by the time i was 15 i had legally died twice , i was then put in AA and graduated even though i was drinking the whole time .  When  I was about 21 i developed an addiction to pain killers  after having several ovarian cysts rupture, the only time i was clean was when i was pregnant, if i wasnt pregnant i had something in my system. My rock bottom was in june of 2011. i weighed about 100 pounds, i would eat a mini bag of chips every few days, and i was drinking a half gallon of liquor plus a 12 pack every single day, and my tolerance to pills was so high that it wasnt worth buying them, i was away from my family, and about to lose them forever when Darrell asked me to come up while the kids were at his mothers, he said we would have fun so He  bought a bunch of alcohol just so i would come up. The next morning we talked about everything and he made me take a huge first step to getting clean, he made me pour all of the leftover alcohol down the sink, and i cried when i did it. After that i relapsed on july 26th of 2011, darrell married me 3 days later and i have been clean and sober ever since. so now i try to help people who have lost children or are dealing with addiction, i want everyone to know that no matter how bad things are they can always get better and there is hope.

What obstacles have you had to overcome in your life? If you feel like sharing you can do so in the comments, or if you want you can write a post about it and i will reblog it, as long as its clean.

 


Lost childhood

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me

Lost childhood, this is something i think about quite frequently. Things like where would i be now if i had not wasted so much of my time drinking and doing drugs. you see i started drinking at a very early age. My wonderful mother let me get drunk for the first time at the ripe age of 9. And i loved how it made me feel, from that point on i gradually got worse, and by the age of 15 i had graduated alcoholics anonymous. by the way my mom helped me realize it didnt matter what i did the rest of the week as long as i wasnt drinking the day of my meetings, and that is how i graduated aa. It was a big joke in my family, i was diana their little alcoholic, no kidding that is what they called me, funny huh. I thought it was cool at the time. i never would have thought it would almost cost me my family and my life down the road. So those issues plus developing an addiction to pain pills a couple years after our 10 year old son was born, that equals a lot of wasted time, and missed opportunities. I never got to go to a school dance or prom, never got my license, never had a sweet sixteen party, and never graduated high school. and its not just the missed opportunities that bother me, but also that i thought all of it was normal. All the stupid stuff i saw my parents do, and the things i grew up with seemed normal to me. It wasnt until i met my husband that someone finally told me, hey that is really messed up. i just wish i had listened to him from the beginning, but i didnt i thought he was trying to control me. That was something my mother always used to say, men are only interested in 2 things sex, and controlling you. A part of me wishes i could go back in time and change these things. But the other part of me realizes that i would not be who i am now if i did that. And even though i may not be special or extraordinary by anybody elses standards, for the first time in my life i am very satisfied with myself.


I am Thankful

20141026_074131I have so much to be thankful for in my life, and looking back on some of the things i did in the past, i have no idea what i did to deserve the life that i have now but i am so grateful for it.

I am thankful to have one very special man, the man who literally made all of my dreams come true, the man who saved me from myself, and the man who makes me complete, the man who makes me a better me, i am thankful for my husband Darrell.P07-07-11_07-39[1] (1) I love you babe and i cant express with words how thankful i am that you are the one i get to spend the rest of my life with.

I am thankful for my children, Dustin,019 Dj,20140707_202328-1 Dominik,

Dominik

Dominik

and Donnie20141024_202259-1-1, they are the best kids that a parent could ever ask for, each one of them so special and wonderful in their own way.
I am thankful for my sobriety, i have been clean and sober for 3 years, 3 months, and 21 days, without my sobriety i would have nothing, i would not even have myself.

I am thankful that my father who i thought i had lost to alcohol, has stopped drinking and he has been sober for 1 week and 3 days, i am so very proud of him.

my dad and me

my dad and me

And in addition to all of things i already mentioned we have finally gotten settled in our beautiful new house.
I cant imagine a life that is any better than the one i have right now. I am thankful.


Clean and Sober

20140727_121243Hey everybody,
I am so Happy today, because on this day ( July 27th ) three years ago i drank my last beer, woot woot so awesome.I cant believe it has been three years, I never thought i could go longer than 9 months for a pregnancy.
On this day 3 years ago Darrell was considering not marrying me, because he came home and i was drunk and our kids were with me. Everyone told him to leave me alone, they said she will never change, and our wedding was supposed to be in three days. Thank God he didnt listen to everyone else cause i did change, BAMM WHAT Lol.
I wish i could get the word out to every addict and alcoholic in the world, that life is so much better when you’re clean. It has been 3 years since i drank any alcohol, and it has been more than 3 years since i abused pills. The last time i took any medication was right after my c-section 2 1/2 years ago, and even then i had my husband hold them and give them to me as prescribed, i was new in recovery and worried i wouldnt be able to take them like i was supposed to. I owe so much to my wonderful husband for helping to get me clean and in the beginning helping me to stay clean. Now there is nothing in this world that could ever make me wanna pick up that bottle again, i love that i finally know who i am. I never did before, alcohol was the very definition of me thats what others saw and its what i thought of myself, but now i really have a self. Its like spending more than half of your life without a soul and then you get clean and discover that it was there all along but it was being covered by your addictions. I am so thankful for my sobriety, my husband, my children, my life. I know that most of you all dont really know how bad i use to be but i was bad, at my worst point i weighed about 100 pounds, i never ate, and i could drink a couple bottles of liquor plus a 12 pack and walk just fine, pill wise it was to the point where i could take or snort 5 or 6 and not feel a thing except nautious. Doctors said my liver was in bad shape, and i didnt care.
But now i am in great health, my family is doing better than ever, and i truly love and enjoy everything about my life. Thanks to all of my wonderful new friends here on wordpress, you have helped me a lot on my journey, and i really appreciate all the support and love you have sent my way.

This post is dedicated To my wonderful husband, thank you so much babe i wouldnt be here without you, i love you so much and i am so very blessed to have you in my life, there isnt a man on this earth that could ever compare to you in my eyes.


Poem from a recovering addict

images (37)images (36)I write of my life in hopes it may,

help someone, somehow, somewhere, some day,.

The truth sometimes hard to tell,

but to see the way, you must lift the vail.

So i tell my stories and let you in,

so you’ll know who i am and where i’ve been.

Read my words and learn from my error’s,

addiction is powerful, and creates many terrors.

Life is hard, of this there is no doubt,

but alcohol and drugs lead down the wrong route.

This is my message, take from it what you will,

but i speak the truth, i’ve lived it, i am the real deal.


Drop The Excuses, From an Addict

th (11)20140628_135531Let me start by saying that i know a lot of people will not like this post,but oh well it really needs to be said. anyone who has read much of my blog, knows that i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, you would also know that i do not say things like well i had a disease so its not my fault. But i have seen more and more people here lately, who dont take responsibility for their own actions because addiction has been labeled a disease, which is not something i agree with.
A disease in my mind is not something that you have the power to control, for example cancer. you can not wake up and say i dont want to have cancer any more, i am sick of this disease and then poof you dont have cancer anymore, but you can do that with addiction. people seldom do, but it can be done. people (especially addicts) use anything they can as an excuse. and because people call addiction a disease that gives the addict a (its not my fault card). I remember when i had just gotten sober, i had 28 days clean, that night i went to an aa meeting which went well, until i heard someone say if you relapse its okay, it happens to all of us. BOOM there it was my excuse to use, the next day i was drunk. it devastated my husband and family, and as if that wasnt bad enough i did this 3 days before my wedding day. I thank God every day that my husband didnt listen to all the people who said i would never change, and that he had the courage to marry me. and i think it is safe to say that anyone who had their doubts about me at that time is now very glad that darrell and i got married. anyway my point is i saw an excuse and i used it. I think that all of the labels we put on things now really does more harm than good, because once something has a name it is considered wrong to say anything bad about the person behind the label. So if i were to tell another addict they are selfish, inconsiderate, and that they are the one to blame for their problems, people would come from every direction to tell me how i dont know what im talking about, and that it is not their fault it is the disease. Sometimes in life you have to admit that you are the one to blame and that you are the only one who can fix the problems that you created. I will leave you with one of the best pieces of advice i have ever received, when i quit using my husband looked at me and said always be true to yourself, because if you are true to yourself, let go of the excuses, and stop trying to put the blame somewhere else it makes messing up a lot harder.


Undeniably Meant To Be

me and darrell a month after we met, i was 17

me and darrell a month after we met, i was 17

My husband and I have over came so many obstacles in our life together, that i know without a doubt we are just meant to be with one another.
When we first met we were both hanging around a lot of trashy people, who did a lot of trashy things, anyway darrell asked me to go to dinner with him which was the first time anyone had ever asked me to go out with them in an appropriate way, i had been asked hey you wanna go get drunk? but never asked to dinner. So i was impressed just by that alone, everything was going great, and he made me laugh more than anyone i had ever met. about 2 weeks after we started dating, he used coke at a party we went to, and thats when i found out he was addicted to cocaine and that he had just gotten out of rehab, i told him we could still be friends but that i could not be with someone who did drugs. we had a long conversation about how rehab had told him he would continue to lose everything if he kept using, he said now i know they are right and he promised he would never use again. That was 13 years ago and he has been clean ever since. Now i was already an alcoholic when we met, i had even completed a.a. but i didnt really think i had a problem i just thought i was young and liked to party (i was wrong). years later i started getting ovarian cysts, which are really painful, so my doctor started giving me pain killers, things got bad, i was constantly going to the er or a different doctor, and when they stopped giving them to me i started buying them off the street. Fast forward a few more years later and darrell was the one helping me overcome my addictions to alcohol and pain pills. Now What are the odds, i mean darrell met me someone who was against drugs, in a place filled with drug addicts, that alone is a miracle, and if he hadnt who knows where he might have ended up. If i had looked at him that night and said no big deal its okay, would he have stopped using? God knew that he needed me back then, and that i would need him later on. We have both had moments where we felt like giving up, but we never wanted to give up at the same time, and we have pulled each other back from the darkest places, that most never come out of. He makes me a better person, as i do him, yes we have had some pretty terrible times in our relationship, but we fought for us and refused to quit. My marriage is one of the things i am most proud of, only coming second to our children. The last 2 years and 9 months we have both been clean and sober, and we are so happy, and so much more in love than ever before. we are both incredibly thankful to have found each other. We beat the odds, and I thank God every day for bringing us together.


Be a good example

my dad, before he became an alcoholic.

my dad, before he became an alcoholic.

my dad after he became an alcoholic, this pic was taken about 7 years ago

my dad after he became an alcoholic, this pic was taken about 7 years ago

Iv’e always heard people say that they love their children so much, that they would die for them,which is a sweet thought i guess, but most of the time you are not going to have to do that. what you will need to do is live for them. My dad was such a wonderful person when i was younger, he worked really hard, loved God and his family, and when my mother left us, he took on the burden of raising 3 daughters on his own. He did okay for a little while, until he started to realize my mother was not coming back. He started drinking, not a lot at first but it became more and more, and over the years i have seen this man that i love so dearly, who was once my hero, turn into a bitter shell of the person he used to be. I really idolized my dad, and as time went on i wanted to do everything like him, walk like him, talk like him, act like him, and DRINK like him. My dad never did anything without a beer, if he was mowing he had to have beer, camping he had to have a lot of beer, the same with fishing, working, watching t.v., or anything else. I grew up watching and doing this, and thinking it was normal, and any other way was stupid, and guess what i turned out to be, an alcoholic. Your children watch you and pay attention, now i know not all children turn out like their parents, whether good or bad, but the thing is if you love them like you say you do, then why take a chance. We should be being the best examples we can for our children. Think about it this way, if you come home and say i have had a hard day, and the first thing you do is grab a beer, then you are teaching your kids when things get hard it helps to drink. my dad has never found drinking to be a serious problem, I remember one time when i was 13 my dad realized i had been stealing some of his beer, well he came up with this great idea that he would teach me a lesson about drinking by giving me a drink, so he poured 2 shots of mezcal tequila, one for him and one for me, he took his, i took mine, he threw up, i asked for another, and you know what is sad he still jokes about it to this day, even after all the problems alcohol has caused me. Now my father has lost everything, his job where he worked for 33 years, his wife, his home, his license, his health and himself. It breaks my heart to see him in this condition, and he still says theres nothen wrong with drinken some beer. I am a very lucky person, i was able to come out of my addiction, even though it was so deeply ingrained in me, that i had to relearn everything. I was lucky because so many people just can not change their way of thinking, it is all they know and most of the time its all they wanna know. Its like spending your whole life knowing that the sky is blue and then having everyone around you saying no your colors are all wrong, the sky is nowhere near blue. your children live by example, so show them how much you love them every day, by being the best example you can be. Just telling them how to act is not enough, actions speak louder than words.


A Most Embarassing Challenge

images (43)images (44)What is the most embarrassing thing that you have ever done or that has ever been done to you?
For me it is tough to pick just one thing, through the years i have done a lot of stupid and embarrassing stuff, but i think i know the most embarrassing event.
When Darrell and i were dating i was 17 and a binge drinker. We had been dating for about a month when i got completely wasted and passed out, nothing unusual about that at the time, until i awoke in the morning and the bed was soaked. Darrell was still asleep next to me and i was mortified as i came to the realization that I had peed on my boyfriend, thats right boys and girls, i was so drunk that i had peed in the bed. I was so embarrassed i thought i was going to die. Anyone else im sure would have never stopped talking about it, and would have constantly made fun of me for it, but he never even mentioned it.
Now here we are almost 14 years later married with children and the only bed wetting that is going on is the occasional accident by one of our kids, lol.
So here is the challenge write a post about your most embarrassing moment and either do a pingback here, or let me know about it in the comments section and i will reblog it. I am really anxious to see if anyone can top my story, i hope someone can, lol.


Forgivness

images (32)download (12)Hey everyone, i just joined Desmond Tutu’s global forgiveness challenge. I have never had a problem forgiving others, that actually comes quite easily for me. But what doesnt come easily or at all it seems is forgiving myself, i have made a lot of bad choices in my life, and caused everyone i love a lot of pain, mainly because of drugs and alcohol, but i made them none the less. I thought that with time i would be able to move on and begin to feel like a decent human being, but it hasnt happened yet. It is hard for me to even have a normal argument with my husband because somewhere in the middle of it, i start telling my self that after everything i put him through i have no right to argue about anything. ( He doesnt say that, i just think it about myself.) And I have so many wonderful followers who are always telling me how i am a great woman, and how strong i am. which is so very appreciated, but i always feel like they are talking about someone else, and like i dont really deserve what they are saying. I know that my husband, children, and everyone else who matters, has forgiven me but how do i forgive myself? I hope that the next 30 days of going through this challenge will bring me a little bit closer to the forgiveness i am seeking. Here is the link to the forgiveness challenge www.forgivenesschallenge.com in case anyone else needs some help with forgiving.