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Posts tagged “death

What happens if you kill yourself


You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too.  There is help out there

Question Of The Day – Racism

Todays question is this, why is it that if a white person says something like I dont think Obama is a good president, then they are called racist but a black person can call for the murder of innocent white people and that is not considered racist? If you hate someone because of the color of their skin that is racism, whether that color is white, black, yellow, or brown! Every race has the potential to be racist because every race has people within that race that are just flat out stupid! What do yawl think about this, leave a comment and let me know! YouTube-Threats-Against-Whites-Police-640x480-1

Independence Day


Happy 4th of July yawl, enjoy the fireworks, cookouts, and family,  but also remember our freedom wasn’t free, it came with a price! many people have lost their lives so that we could be free, so dont take it forgranted.  Be safe and have a great Independence day.




dannytrejoWhat do you fear? I was helping a friend of mine take off trash from down town Blacksburg the other day and i noticed she seemed nervous, well when we got back in the vehicle she said i hate it when that happens, i said what, and she said it scared her cause two men were walking up the alleyway that we were in. That took me by surprise because i barely even noticed them, but it really shook her up. I told her she didnt need to be scared of anything like that especially when im with her cause i always carry a blade and im not afraid of stuff like that.
Well that got me thinking what is it that makes us fear certain things when others pay it no mind at all? It is just our lives i think, things that have caused us the most pain, or things we think will cause us pain. Me for example i am not afraid of big bearded men with tattoos or motorcycles or in all honesty anything else like that, i guess cause i grew up in a rough way. The only thing that scares me is the thought of losing another child, my husband, or something bad happening to one of them. I am not afraid of pain or anything when it comes to me, but man it tears me up to see one of them hurting or sad.
So what are you afraid of and do you know why you are afraid of it?

Near Death Experience

Hey everybody, i hope all yawl out there in bloggy land are doing good.
I am great but soooooo sore, the past few days my hubby and i have been on a job chopping and splitting wood and that stuff is hard work, but i love it. I would much rather be doing the really strenuous type of labor than doing laundry or something like that. Plus as an added bonus, i unintentionally scared my husband half to death. See he was using the chainsaw and i would come and grab the logs to take over to the wood splitter. Well i was running out of the logs he had done in another section, so i went up behind him and was picking a log up and when he went to turn around he kinda swung the chainsaw,(not knowing i was behind him) and he just barely missed my head. I know it scared the crap out of him because all of the color left his face. Truthfully i really shouldnt have been behind him but i wasnt thinking at the time, needless to say i’ll not do that again. Here are some pics.

This Week Has Been A Sad One

Noah Thomas May he rest in peace

Noah Thomas
May he rest in peace

Hey everybody, i hope you all are doin good. The past week here in my neck of the woods has been pretty rough.
To start with a 5 year old little boy named Noah Thomas went missing on sunday, he lived about 10 miles from me. More than a thousand people volunteered their services to find him, but sadly he was found dead in a septic tank right next to his house yesterday evening. I did not know this little boy at all but hearing that news broke my heart. In all honesty i dont know if the parents had anything to do with his death or not, i know that some of the details they provided seem shady to me but im not gonna judge them until there is a reason to, so my thoughts and prayers are definitely with them.

A few days after little Noah went missing my husbands grandmother passed away, her funeral was today, and even though i know she is not suffering anymore and she is in a much better place, it makes me so sad because this world was a better place for having her in it. She was the kind of woman that i hope i will be some day, she was 89 years old and still worked in her garden, she was the most loving and generous person you could ever meet, and she loved God with all her heart, i mean if you were in a room with her you felt like family, even if you didnt know her. She will be greatly missed.

And the other reason this week was rough is because our daughters birthday was yesterday which is always hard and on this day 7 years ago we were standing in the exact same funeral home for our daughters funeral. It was the first time we had been back to that funeral home and for it to be on the exact same day her funeral was, i guess it just hit me kinda hard.
I really hope that wherever you all are in this world, that your week is going better than ours is here.

To my daughter in Heaven

assaf-frank-softness-iToday is a not so easy day for me, you see today is my daughters birthday. Her name was Rain Mckayla and she passed away in 2008, if she were still with us she would be 7 years old today. I think about her and miss her every single day of my life but on this day the sadness is much greater. I can imagine all of the things we would be doing right now if she were with us, i would be fixing her hair and getting her ready for her party, where she would make birthday wishes and blow out birthday candles, and i would tell her how much i love her and how beautiful she looks in her birthday dress. But i cant do any of those things and my feelings about that range from extreme anger to unbearable sadness. Which is not easy to handle, so i wrote her a poem and i thought i would share it here.

My darling Rain you were taken from me years ago,
and yes you are in heaven this i know,
but i want you here with me to watch you play and grow,
So many things ill never see,
your sweet little smile or my beautiful daughter climbing a tree,
oh how i wish i could hold your hand and kiss your cheek,
and tell you how much i love you all through the week,
but i will talk to you every night when i pray,
and mommy will come home and be with you again some day.
and though no longer in my arms i will hold you in my heart,
and i promise we’ll never be far apart.

Happy Birthday Rain, mommy and daddy miss you and love you so much.

Finally a Smart Decision

photo credit cbs news

photo credit cbs news

There is not a whole lot that goes on in government offices or court rooms that i agree with anymore or at least on the news, but finally i heard one that i absolutely agree with.
The top court in Connecticut ruled that a 17-year-old girl named cassandra would be forced to undergo chemotherapy. The 17 year old child was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, which with chemo she has an 85 percent chance of survival, but she was refusing treatment saying she did not want something toxic (chemo) in her body, and her mother was supporting her decision even though that meant her daughter would die. So the 17 year old was removed from her mothers care and custody was given to the state, so that she would have to undergo treatment. Yesss woot woot, finally a smart decision. This girl is 17 way to young, and to dramatic to make a decision about whether she lives or dies, and her mother is just crazy im sorry but what kind of mother would let their child essentially kill them self when there is a treatment for their condition? Anyway im very glad in this case, that the courts stepped in and did what needed to be done. What do you think? Do you think the right decision was made?


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAimagesEveryone at some point in their life will have to overcome obstacles, and i am no exception. The 2 biggest things in my life that i have had to overcome are the death of my daughter and alcohol and drug addiction. When my daughter passed away i was in so much pain i wanted to give up on everything, and if it wasnt for my son needing me i would have. To lose a child is the most soul crushing experience there is, and my heart gos out to anyone else who has ever had to suffer through it. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that i will see my daughters beautiful face again when my time is up.  I have a very deep appreciation for my children and i am very emotional when it comes to a child or baby being mistreated, meaning if i see someone doing it i will go off on there head. (not kidding)

The second hardest thing i had to overcome was my addiction to alcohol and prescription pain killers. I have had a problem with alcohol since i was very young, i was 12 when my parents started to notice,  but they didnt care enough to try to stop me, so by the time i was 15 i had legally died twice , i was then put in AA and graduated even though i was drinking the whole time .  When  I was about 21 i developed an addiction to pain killers  after having several ovarian cysts rupture, the only time i was clean was when i was pregnant, if i wasnt pregnant i had something in my system. My rock bottom was in june of 2011. i weighed about 100 pounds, i would eat a mini bag of chips every few days, and i was drinking a half gallon of liquor plus a 12 pack every single day, and my tolerance to pills was so high that it wasnt worth buying them, i was away from my family, and about to lose them forever when Darrell asked me to come up while the kids were at his mothers, he said we would have fun so He  bought a bunch of alcohol just so i would come up. The next morning we talked about everything and he made me take a huge first step to getting clean, he made me pour all of the leftover alcohol down the sink, and i cried when i did it. After that i relapsed on july 26th of 2011, darrell married me 3 days later and i have been clean and sober ever since. so now i try to help people who have lost children or are dealing with addiction, i want everyone to know that no matter how bad things are they can always get better and there is hope.

What obstacles have you had to overcome in your life? If you feel like sharing you can do so in the comments, or if you want you can write a post about it and i will reblog it, as long as its clean.


Zombie survival tips





Okay the zombie apocalypse has finally happened, (just like i always knew it would) and What you do in the first 24 hours is critical. SO here is a list i put together for all the people out there who did not prepare for this.

1. Board up all windows and doors, so well that you can not even exit.

2. Cut a square big enough for you to fit through in your roof, this is a safer way to exit and re-enter because zombies cant climb.

3. Choose the strongest and fastest person to go out and scavenge water, weapons, canned food, candles, lighters, and even gather other people, but only the ones you know and relatively trust.

4. Make sure no light at all can be seen from the outside of your home.

5. You should contact everyone that you love now before phones stop working, and plan to meet in a safe and out of the way place.

6. Number six is the most important thing to remember, no matter what happens dont you git bit.

More zombie survival skills to come here shortly.

Figure it out people

12 Year old Tamir Rice

12 Year old Tamir Rice

I am curious about something, there has been so much up roar over the Michael Brown case and so many people expressing outrege over it, but the man had just robbed a store and then he assaulted an officer and tried to take his gun, They proved that with eye witness testimony and forensic science. Now i am sorry that a man lost his life but if you attack anybody who has a gun you will probably get shot.
What im curious about is how come there are so many protests and so much outrage for Michael Brown who actually did do something very wrong, but there hasnt been anywhere near the same amount of anger over 12 year old Tamir Rice who was shot and killed by a police officer for having a toy gun? I mean come on what is the deal? I swear i just dont understand what is going on in peoples heads anymore. Some things definitely deserve fury and anger, but i dont think anyone knows which ones do and which ones dont anymore. My thoughts and prayers go out to Tamir’s family.
Oh and it seems a lot of people dont know what the definition of murder is so i thought i would include it here. MURDER – The unlawful killing of another human being without justification or excuse.

Why Mommy ( Abortion )

fdsa 011My smile will never be seen, my laugh will never be heard, they called me a parasite this is absurd.
My mommy decided abortion was best, i wish i had a voice so i could protest.
If i did i would say mommy please dont let me go, this is my life and i want it so,
Please mommy dont take my life away, i like it here and i really wanna stay.
What have i done, and what can i do, its not my fault im inside you.
But a voice i do not have so soon i will die, how could you do this to me mommy please tell me why?

Drug addicts want Drugs!

images (51)download (24)It has recently came to my attention that Pulaski va which is where i live, has allowed a methadone clinic to move in. I was really saddened to learn this, because methadone is a very dangerous drug. Methadone is a synthetic opioid that is most commonly used in the so called treatment of opioid dependancy, which if it did cure drug addiction that would be great, but it doesnt you merely trade in one drug for another. I myself am a recovering drug addict, I have been clean for two years and six months, and I use to know a lot of people that went to the methadone clinic in Galax va, all of them went for pill addiction and none of them had any interest in getting clean. Now even when i was using drugs i thought the concept of this was crazy. These people supposedly stopped using pills and started using methadone, and this is an improvement how? methadone has many of the same effects as heroin and morphin and it is even more deadly. Methadone alone kills at least 10 people every single day and in a years time will claim the lives of 5,000 people. That is more than any other presciption drug out there. So this supposed treatment is more dangerous than the drugs it claims to save you from. If you take someone who is addicted to pills and give them a drug that is much more addictive, much stronger, and much more dangerous where is the intelligence in that? Any good rehab will tell you that you can not trade one drug for another, its not just the drug use you have to change, but your whole way of thinking, that is if you want to be successful in freeing yourself from addiction. The only thing that works is dedication and seperating yourself from the people, places, and things that you associate with drugs. Drug addicts want drugs, so as long as the clinics are dishing it out, there will be people accepting it. But at what cost? Now my question is why, why is the government allowing these deadly drugs to be given to drug addicts? and why are we the people not doing anything to stop it?

Life Through The Lens Challenge – Fear

This weeks life through the lens challenge was fear. The picture above is fear for me, the idea that i may live to see another of my children or my husband go before me, scares me to death. So i drew a casket for this one. I am not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of losing those that i love and having to try to live without them.

One – Liner Wednesday

What you have done for yourself alone dies with you, what you have done for others and the world lives on.

Remember what Easter is about


Praise the Lord, for on this day over 2,000 years ago, we were saved because he suffered and rose again.

My last addiction

images (20)Hello all,
I dont think i have mentioned it in any of my other posts but i am a smoker, i have been trying to stop for many years, but i always seem to get stuck on about three a day. I have been smoking since i was 9, and at 12 my mother started buying them for me, mother of the year yawl. I am 29 now so i have been a smoker for 20 years. My husband though has never even took a puff off of a cigarette, and has been determined for the better part of 13 years to turn me into a non smoker. Just saying that seems so strange, me a non smoker. Smoking is the one thing that has not changed about me in 20 years, to me it just seems like me. I remember a few years back complaining to my mom that darrell (my husband) wouldnt stop fussing about me smoking, her response was, he isnt your daddy you dont have to listen to that. Now that i am not drunk or on dope, i cant believe she said that, what parent gets mad at someone who is trying to save their daughters life, Mother of the year strikes again. But I use to really love smoking, it brought me so much pleasure, and my cigarettes were always there for me when i needed a friend. But now every time i light one up the only feelings i have are guilt and fear. I know that i am doing something that will eventually kill me, i try to justify it sometimes but it doesnt work anymore. And images of my death bed flash into my head, or my children standing at my casket with their hearts broken all because i needed another cigarette. I know that this is going to be another thing i have to just quit, i am not a person who can taper off, or use a nicotine replacement, as i would just get addicted to that to. But that last step is proving to be the hardest. I have fought it for so long and i am tired. Tired of not eating whenever i want to because i know i will want a cigarette afterwards, tired of sneaking around so that my kids dont see it, and tired of being selfish knowing that with every drag i take i am one step closer to death. I yearn for the day when i will not be dependent on any kind of chemical. So i have to ask a favor of anyone who reads this, keep me in your prayers as i will be trying to quit again. And maybe within the next few weeks i will be rid of my last addiction, and be a non smoker again for the first time in 20 years. I also have to say thank you to my husband, he has been my rock through everything, and if it were not for him i would be lost. I love you babe, thanks for standing up for whats right and not wavering.