The first pic is me during my addiction and the other 2 pics are me now, big difference
Hey everyone as of today i have been blogging for exactly one year, yay.
It really doesnt seem like it has been that long, i mean im just now getting use to calling myself a blogger.
It has been great though, i have gotten to know some amazing, and truly inspiring people, and maybe, (hopefully) even helped a few along the way.
One thing that happened that i didnt expect, is that blogging has really helped me in a big way, its helped me to see my self in a different light. When i first started this i still felt like a failure, even though i had already been clean for more than 2 years, i still felt like that same drug addict and alcoholic, but now i dont. Writing things out and letting everyone see who i really am has helped me discover things about myself that i didnt realize before. I love blogging and i so enjoy reading all my followers comments, your support and encouragement means so much to me, after all without followers blogging really doesnt mean much at all. So a very special thank you to all of my friends and followers, it has been great getting to know all of you, and i look forward to another year of crazy posts and comments.
Diana Roark aka mommyx4boys
Everyone at some point in their life will have to overcome obstacles, and i am no exception. The 2 biggest things in my life that i have had to overcome are the death of my daughter and alcohol and drug addiction. When my daughter passed away i was in so much pain i wanted to give up on everything, and if it wasnt for my son needing me i would have. To lose a child is the most soul crushing experience there is, and my heart gos out to anyone else who has ever had to suffer through it. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that i will see my daughters beautiful face again when my time is up. I have a very deep appreciation for my children and i am very emotional when it comes to a child or baby being mistreated, meaning if i see someone doing it i will go off on there head. (not kidding)
The second hardest thing i had to overcome was my addiction to alcohol and prescription pain killers. I have had a problem with alcohol since i was very young, i was 12 when my parents started to notice, but they didnt care enough to try to stop me, so by the time i was 15 i had legally died twice , i was then put in AA and graduated even though i was drinking the whole time . When I was about 21 i developed an addiction to pain killers after having several ovarian cysts rupture, the only time i was clean was when i was pregnant, if i wasnt pregnant i had something in my system. My rock bottom was in june of 2011. i weighed about 100 pounds, i would eat a mini bag of chips every few days, and i was drinking a half gallon of liquor plus a 12 pack every single day, and my tolerance to pills was so high that it wasnt worth buying them, i was away from my family, and about to lose them forever when Darrell asked me to come up while the kids were at his mothers, he said we would have fun so He bought a bunch of alcohol just so i would come up. The next morning we talked about everything and he made me take a huge first step to getting clean, he made me pour all of the leftover alcohol down the sink, and i cried when i did it. After that i relapsed on july 26th of 2011, darrell married me 3 days later and i have been clean and sober ever since. so now i try to help people who have lost children or are dealing with addiction, i want everyone to know that no matter how bad things are they can always get better and there is hope.
What obstacles have you had to overcome in your life? If you feel like sharing you can do so in the comments, or if you want you can write a post about it and i will reblog it, as long as its clean.
The easy way in life is getting us nowhere, but it takes away the burden of really having to care.
When the doctor gives you pills instead of fixing the problem, its the easy way out this is the wrong route.
When you get a divorce instead of trying, a part of your soul is simply dyeing .
When your child wants to talk about drugs and you say just wait, then the next day they’re gone and its to late. Feeling sad just take a pill, you wont care anymore lifes not real.
So you see the easy way out is never the solution, it only creates massive confusion.
But retain my memories i would, so i remember what not to do and what i should.
I wish i had always been the person that i am now, but i couldnt back then i didnt know how.
The lies i told i can not count, i wonder will my loved ones always doubt?
So i ask of you this, see me as i am, really see, im not the same as i used to be.
I know that to most people my life would not be considered special, I dont have a high paying job, i dont save lives, im not a wonderful artist, and i have only visited three other states in my whole life. But every day i wake up to my family who needs me, that is something i have never felt before, to be needed. It is a great feeling.
In the past few years i have completely devoted myself to my family, and the satisfaction i feel every night when i go to sleep is amazing.
Back when i was doing drugs i still did some of the stuff i do now. I fed my children, and straightened up the house some, but my heart wasn’t in it, and everyone paid the price. I think that is why i appreciate everything so much more now, there is a huge differance in the way i think about things now and the way i thought about things then. I am invested now, with my whole heart and all my time and energy.
My son knows that when he comes home from school i will be here cooking dinner and cleaning the house, that makes me feel good.
When i was young i didnt have that feeling of comfort coming home from school, i was always scared to go through my front door, because my mother left my father for an alcoholic who beat her. I was so scared that one day i would come home and instead of finding her beat up she would dead, either by his hands or her own , as she had sliced her wrists down to the bone just a couple years prior. I dont even talk to my mother anymore, but i still have nightmares about that. And knowing that my children will never go through that, that they will never feel that sense of dread coming home, makes me very happy. And this is a kind of happiness i have never experienced until now, its happiness that comes from a good place not a pill bottle or a twelve pack.
I know i dont have a huge house, or a lot of money, and i doubt i will ever be able to go to Ireland like i want to, But their are 5 people whos lives i change positively every day. Its funny you hear so many people say dont tell me im a bad parent, i would die for my kids. which is fine but can you do the harder job and live for them. To die for someone you love is easy, but can you devote yourself to them and really love them more than you love yourself, I can and I do, and I now realize that everything i have is a blessing. my children, my husband, my home, and my sobriety. so today i will not change the world, but what i do keeps four children, and one great man happy and knowing that they are loved. And guess what that makes me pretty special.
yesterday was such an awesome day. Yesterday i did something that filled me with so much joy that its hard to explain. Are you ready for this ? Yesterday i painted my deck. I know, probably not what you expected me to say. And no i wasnt being sarcastic at all. A few years ago i couldnt have cared less about something like this. I was much to concerned with finding another percocet, or a beer. But now i care about these kinds of things, doing stuff like mowing or gardening, i dont know it just reminds me of things i have only seen in movies. You know the kind, great neighborhood, well manicured lawns, and loving families, where you just know that the biggest problem they have is that someone elses dog went dookie on their lawn. It made me feel normal, to be painting the deck while my husband was building furniture in the yard. I have found that i crave moments like this, just as much as i use to crave a cold beer or another pill. At one point yesterday i looked up to the beautiful blue cloudless sky, and just said thank you Lord, thankyou for giving me the wisdom to appreciate this. Its nice to be able to really enjoy all the little things in life and just feel normal.
I am so Happy today, because on this day ( July 27th ) three years ago i drank my last beer, woot woot so awesome.I cant believe it has been three years, I never thought i could go longer than 9 months for a pregnancy.
On this day 3 years ago Darrell was considering not marrying me, because he came home and i was drunk and our kids were with me. Everyone told him to leave me alone, they said she will never change, and our wedding was supposed to be in three days. Thank God he didnt listen to everyone else cause i did change, BAMM WHAT Lol.
I wish i could get the word out to every addict and alcoholic in the world, that life is so much better when you’re clean. It has been 3 years since i drank any alcohol, and it has been more than 3 years since i abused pills. The last time i took any medication was right after my c-section 2 1/2 years ago, and even then i had my husband hold them and give them to me as prescribed, i was new in recovery and worried i wouldnt be able to take them like i was supposed to. I owe so much to my wonderful husband for helping to get me clean and in the beginning helping me to stay clean. Now there is nothing in this world that could ever make me wanna pick up that bottle again, i love that i finally know who i am. I never did before, alcohol was the very definition of me thats what others saw and its what i thought of myself, but now i really have a self. Its like spending more than half of your life without a soul and then you get clean and discover that it was there all along but it was being covered by your addictions. I am so thankful for my sobriety, my husband, my children, my life. I know that most of you all dont really know how bad i use to be but i was bad, at my worst point i weighed about 100 pounds, i never ate, and i could drink a couple bottles of liquor plus a 12 pack and walk just fine, pill wise it was to the point where i could take or snort 5 or 6 and not feel a thing except nautious. Doctors said my liver was in bad shape, and i didnt care.
But now i am in great health, my family is doing better than ever, and i truly love and enjoy everything about my life. Thanks to all of my wonderful new friends here on wordpress, you have helped me a lot on my journey, and i really appreciate all the support and love you have sent my way.
This post is dedicated To my wonderful husband, thank you so much babe i wouldnt be here without you, i love you so much and i am so very blessed to have you in my life, there isnt a man on this earth that could ever compare to you in my eyes.
help someone, somehow, somewhere, some day,.
The truth sometimes hard to tell,
but to see the way, you must lift the vail.
So i tell my stories and let you in,
so you’ll know who i am and where i’ve been.
Read my words and learn from my error’s,
addiction is powerful, and creates many terrors.
Life is hard, of this there is no doubt,
but alcohol and drugs lead down the wrong route.
This is my message, take from it what you will,
but i speak the truth, i’ve lived it, i am the real deal.
I am seriously annoyed with some of the women in this country, it seems like no one understands what is important anymore. everywhere i look there are more women complaining. MY daughter likes pink and it bothers me, i am a woman and i deserve more rights, i am a woman so i should be able to murder my baby without judgment. These kinds of topics are all over the televisions newspapers and internet. So Here are some solutions. #1. Pink is a color if a color has the power to bother you that much you are a very shallow person and you need something more to fill up your day, just be happy that you have a daughter, mine is no longer with me. #2. Women have the same rights as men in this country stop whining, you have made it, you are there, you are equal, actually that last one is not true women now have more rights than men do.#3. If you do something evil and gross people are going to think of you differently.
I recently saw a post on wordpess that was talking about how a woman had used crack while she was pregnant and the baby died, she was charged with depraved heart murder. anyway long story short the person who wrote this post was like so happy because this woman got by with murder,she was saying thank you to this woman like she had just saved a baby from a burning building rather than the fact that she just killed her own, it actually made me sick to my stomach, and she was quite furious with me for saying the situation was disgusting. Then proceeded to inform me how breeders like me make her sick and that my boys should be taught respect, or they would end up dead or in prison with the other rapists and murderers. Now i was trying to hold back my anger until then but that comment was the last straw. For one thing I teach my children to respect those who deserve their respect, and to leave the trashy ones alone altogether, but it wasnt that she tried to make it personal that really bothered me, it was that this is a commen attitude towards boys and men now, and that makes me so sad for my sons. But i will try my hardest to raise my children right and teach them never to take crap from a woman just because she is a woman. And i can speak up and say women stop acting stupid try to remember what is important in life. I know its been a long time since most of you have done that ( if ever) but please try. Now dont get me wrong i know there are still some good women out there, but man its getting bad, i would say maybe 4 out of every 10 women are actually good moral women. How has it gotten this far? how have women, the ones who were once thought of as the most moral and nurturing, turned into this. I dont know, but it really is a sad situation.
Let me start by saying that i know a lot of people will not like this post,but oh well it really needs to be said. anyone who has read much of my blog, knows that i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, you would also know that i do not say things like well i had a disease so its not my fault. But i have seen more and more people here lately, who dont take responsibility for their own actions because addiction has been labeled a disease, which is not something i agree with.
A disease in my mind is not something that you have the power to control, for example cancer. you can not wake up and say i dont want to have cancer any more, i am sick of this disease and then poof you dont have cancer anymore, but you can do that with addiction. people seldom do, but it can be done. people (especially addicts) use anything they can as an excuse. and because people call addiction a disease that gives the addict a (its not my fault card). I remember when i had just gotten sober, i had 28 days clean, that night i went to an aa meeting which went well, until i heard someone say if you relapse its okay, it happens to all of us. BOOM there it was my excuse to use, the next day i was drunk. it devastated my husband and family, and as if that wasnt bad enough i did this 3 days before my wedding day. I thank God every day that my husband didnt listen to all the people who said i would never change, and that he had the courage to marry me. and i think it is safe to say that anyone who had their doubts about me at that time is now very glad that darrell and i got married. anyway my point is i saw an excuse and i used it. I think that all of the labels we put on things now really does more harm than good, because once something has a name it is considered wrong to say anything bad about the person behind the label. So if i were to tell another addict they are selfish, inconsiderate, and that they are the one to blame for their problems, people would come from every direction to tell me how i dont know what im talking about, and that it is not their fault it is the disease. Sometimes in life you have to admit that you are the one to blame and that you are the only one who can fix the problems that you created. I will leave you with one of the best pieces of advice i have ever received, when i quit using my husband looked at me and said always be true to yourself, because if you are true to yourself, let go of the excuses, and stop trying to put the blame somewhere else it makes messing up a lot harder.
It has recently came to my attention that Pulaski va which is where i live, has allowed a methadone clinic to move in. I was really saddened to learn this, because methadone is a very dangerous drug. Methadone is a synthetic opioid that is most commonly used in the so called treatment of opioid dependancy, which if it did cure drug addiction that would be great, but it doesnt you merely trade in one drug for another. I myself am a recovering drug addict, I have been clean for two years and six months, and I use to know a lot of people that went to the methadone clinic in Galax va, all of them went for pill addiction and none of them had any interest in getting clean. Now even when i was using drugs i thought the concept of this was crazy. These people supposedly stopped using pills and started using methadone, and this is an improvement how? methadone has many of the same effects as heroin and morphin and it is even more deadly. Methadone alone kills at least 10 people every single day and in a years time will claim the lives of 5,000 people. That is more than any other presciption drug out there. So this supposed treatment is more dangerous than the drugs it claims to save you from. If you take someone who is addicted to pills and give them a drug that is much more addictive, much stronger, and much more dangerous where is the intelligence in that? Any good rehab will tell you that you can not trade one drug for another, its not just the drug use you have to change, but your whole way of thinking, that is if you want to be successful in freeing yourself from addiction. The only thing that works is dedication and seperating yourself from the people, places, and things that you associate with drugs. Drug addicts want drugs, so as long as the clinics are dishing it out, there will be people accepting it. But at what cost? Now my question is why, why is the government allowing these deadly drugs to be given to drug addicts? and why are we the people not doing anything to stop it?
But that is just one of the many great things about how my life is going now, we have been trying to get a house for a while now and we are expected to close on it in october, woot woot.
The kids are all doing great, Dustin who is 19 is in college ( so proud of him ), Dj (10) is in 5th grade this year and is such a good kid, Dominik just turned 5 and had a great birthday party, and my little Donnie (2) is starting to talk like crazy and just growing so fast.
In edition to everything else i just shared we have started our own business on the side which is going really good, and Darrell got a promotion at his regular job to, Life is great. I still need that nose job lol, but other than that everything is perfect. I hope all of your lives are going just as wonderfully as mine is and if not, dont lose hope things will get better, im living proof of that. Oh and i havent had a smoke in like 3 weeks, just sayin.
I did something day before yesterday that i thought was impossible, I quit smoking.
It has been almost 48 hours since i had my last cigarettes and i kinda feel like pulling my hair out or chewing my own tongue off at times, but all in all its going pretty well. Especially considering i was a smoker for 20 years and that i really loved my smokes, but i love my life and my family more. I think the last straw for me was when i talked to my dad the other day and he told me he has copd, that kinda made it a reality that every time i smoked one of my cigarettes i was slowly and willingly killing myself.
I never thought i would be able to call myself a nonsmoker but here i am, truthfully i was getting a little worried, i couldnt even walk from my car to my front door without being extremely out of breath and my heart racing so fast that i felt like it was gonna burst outta my chest. Its funny how when you’re done you’re just done, and you know it. In the past i said i was gonna quit, but in the back of my mind i knew i had not had my last smoke, like i said i really enjoyed my cigarettes. But now i am done, i love my kids, my husband, and myself way to much to throw it all away just so i dont have to be uncomfortable right now. Though i am done no matter what, i really hope this want for a cigarette gos away with time, cause it sucks really bad, lol.
so i was nominated for 3 awards this time, first i was nominated for The One Lovely blog award by http://skinnyandsingle.wordpress.com/, and i was nominated for the Liebster award and The Versatile Blogger award by Andy over at http://lawsonandy.wordpress.com/. Thankyou both so much i really appreciate being nominated, especially by 2 people as awesome as yawl. Now i just recently got the one lovely blog award and the versatile blogger award so im not gonna do those again, but it has been a while since i got the liebster award so i am gonna do that one.
The rules for this award are…
1. Thank the person who nominated you for the award
2. Display the banner/sticker/logo on your blog
3. Answer the questions the award giver asked
4. List 11 facts about yourself
5. List your nominees
The 11 questions…
1. If you could make one piece of clothing illegal, what would it be? Hoochie shorts, the ones that look like underwear, seriously my kids dont need to see that.
2. If you could travel anywhere, for free, where would you go? And why? Ireland, I would love to see where my ancestors came from.
3. If the bank made a mistake, and put sixty thousand dollars in your account, what would you do? Put 15 thousand in savings accounts for each of my children.
4. What are your thoughts on legalizing marijuana? I dont really think we need another drug that is legal, but at the same time i dont think that marijuana is as bad as alcohol.
5.What is your favorite childhood memory? My dad standing at the end of the hallway and picking me up just like the scene from the movie dirty dancing, we would do this every night for a good while after i saw the movie, i was about 7.
6. What did you want to be when you grew up, and what do you do instead? A wife and mother, my dreams came true.
7. What happened on the best workday you’ve ever had? I am a stay at home mom so if my kids arent sick and they go to sleep before midnight then its an awesome day.
8. What was your favorite thing that your mother used to cook for you? My mother never did anything right as a mother, but i loved her chicken and dumplins.
9. Do you believe in soul mates or love at first sight? I dont know about love at first sight, but i do believe in soul mates, i am with mine.
10. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would it be? If i could retain the knowledge i have now i would go back and tell myself to never drink or do drugs.
11. Are you married? And if so, describe your proposal. Yes, I was working as a barista at the time, on my lunch break Darrell came down and we were walking in front of the court house (which is beautiful)
11 facts about me…
1. My middle name is Nicole.
2. I dont like movies about space, like star wars.
3. I never had an imaginary friend or really believed in Santa.
4. I never thought aging would bother me, it does.
5. I am not a morning person, i have to make myself be in a good mood in the mornings.
6. I get very cranky when im hungry.
7. I can catch almost any animal with my hands, i have caught possum, rabbits, snakes, and chickens, and thats just in my yard.
8. I love shark week
9. I dont like to kill things, even bugs and spiders. I will catch them in a cup and put them outside.
10. I love the show Fast and Loud and street outlaws
11. I have 2 dogs like 13 cats and about 35 chickens, all outside animals except for one dog.
Now for the nominees…
My questions for the nominees…
1. If you had one wish what would it be?
2. If you could change one law, what would it be and why?
3. What is your favorite movie?
4. What is your dream job?
5. If you could travel to a different time period, when would it be?
6. Do you love zombies, if not why?
7. Who is your favorite actor/actress
8. Do you now or have you ever had a nickname?
9. What would you want your last meal to be?
10. What is your biggest fear?
11. Do you think im awesome? lol
I cant tell you how much all of my new friendships here on wordpress have meant to me, i have met some truly wonderful and inspiring people, who have helped me see stuff about myself that i never realized before. My tiny little blog which was initially meant to help others has probably helped me more than it will ever help anyone else. It has became my escape, my refuge, a place where i can come and bear my soul, and even though i have told you some of my darkest and worst moments, i have never felt anything other than encouragement and support from you. Those are very important things to have for anyone, but for a recovering drug addict, and alcoholic, it is that much more important. I especially am constantly doubting myself not my sobriety, but myself. Am i really a good person now, or am i just kidding myself, am i really a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, i could go on and on. But my new friends here have no reason to lie to me, you all dont have to worry about running into me at the grocery store, so there are no awkward moments trying to be avoided. You dont want anything from me, (which is good cause i have nothing to offer). You are my friends simply because you want to be. And you have no idea how much that means to someone like me. So thank you all so much, i appreciate and value each and every one of you.
Your friend Diana
Hey everyone, i just joined Desmond Tutu’s global forgiveness challenge. I have never had a problem forgiving others, that actually comes quite easily for me. But what doesnt come easily or at all it seems is forgiving myself, i have made a lot of bad choices in my life, and caused everyone i love a lot of pain, mainly because of drugs and alcohol, but i made them none the less. I thought that with time i would be able to move on and begin to feel like a decent human being, but it hasnt happened yet. It is hard for me to even have a normal argument with my husband because somewhere in the middle of it, i start telling my self that after everything i put him through i have no right to argue about anything. ( He doesnt say that, i just think it about myself.) And I have so many wonderful followers who are always telling me how i am a great woman, and how strong i am. which is so very appreciated, but i always feel like they are talking about someone else, and like i dont really deserve what they are saying. I know that my husband, children, and everyone else who matters, has forgiven me but how do i forgive myself? I hope that the next 30 days of going through this challenge will bring me a little bit closer to the forgiveness i am seeking. Here is the link to the forgiveness challenge www.forgivenesschallenge.com in case anyone else needs some help with forgiving.
Oh my gosh people i am so happy, remember my post painful reminders where i told you i had lost my claddagh ring, well i just found it, apparently it had fallen between two bottles of spices on my hutch .And you have no idea how relieved i am to have found it, saint patricks day was really frustrating for me, we watched a few Irish themed shows and on all of them they talked about claddagh rings, and i know i was just being paranoid but the whole time i just knew my husband was sitting there thinken yeah she traded hers for drugs, it is a situation that in reality, im sure has bothered me much more then it bothered him. But oh my goodness it just feels so good to be able to prove that i didnt do that. Happy happy joy joy today was a very good day.
Hello all, wanted to drop in and tell you a little bit about my thursday night, and how it sucked because my husband gave me 2 beautiful new rings. Well thats not actually why it sucked but it has something to do with it.
so thursday night my husband being the sweet person that he is, decided that for no reason at all he was going to surprise me with two new rings, of course i was blown away. Well i decided i needed to clean out my jewelry boxes and make room for my new pieces. Thats when it happened i realized that my sterling silver claddagh ring was missing, my palms began to sweat and my heart started to race, now i know you think im being over dramatic, but hear me out. You see the reason i was so freaked out is because when i was using drugs and drinking if i didnt have money i would sometimes sell or trade my jewelry for what i wanted, And i knew that my husband was going to be suspicious about if that was what i had done again. I searched everywhere under the dressers, in the cars, diaper bags, anywhere i could think of, so anxious to find it and say see babe i didnt sell it for drugs you can still trust me, but that did not happen i couldnt find it. So i did the only thing i could do i cried. When my husband walked into the kitchen i was standing against the stove crying and he was like whats wrong why are you crying, i told him i was sorry about losing the ring he bought me and i said i swear im not doing drugs again Please believe me, he said he believed me, but it didnt really make me feel any better. It was like i had been hit by the cold hard fist of reality. and the bad things i had done were coming back up. I couldnt stand the thought of him wondering and worrying about weather or not i was using drugs again, and even though he said he believed me, i knew if the tables were turned i would have my doubts. But it was just another reminder that the stuff i did while i was an active addict, did not disappear into nothingness. There will be painful reminders of the hurt i caused and damage that i did. And i wonder will it always be this way, will i ever be able to think of myself as a good person, wife and mother. Or will the memories of my wrong doings always plague me, (I hope not) Anyway im still searching for my ring and hoping i will find it. And to my husband, thanks for not losing faith in me babe. I love you!