You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself
but you killed everyone else around you too. There is help out there
How do you deal with something that you so desperately want to change but can not. I saw a picure earlier of a 3 year old child from africa, you could see every bone in his body, he is starving to death and there is nothing I can do about it. This devastates me, it crushes me that there are babies and children starving and in pain and I can not change it. I want so badly to just rap my arms around all of them and tell them everything is going to be alright. I want to bring them to my home cover them up with a big soft blanket and feed them, but I cant. I hate that there are so many millionaires in this country and all over the world who do nothing to help and the ones that do help dont even do 5 percent of what they could. Why? I dont really even know why im posting this, it just hurt me to see that picture and realize I cant change that childs life, and I just felt like writing. But if there was a point to this post it would be for everyone to be more charitable towards others, and if you can put your children in a warm bed warm, not hungry, or in pain, then dont take that forgranted be grateful because so many people all over the world do not have the ability to do that.
When we first met we were both hanging around a lot of trashy people, who did a lot of trashy things, anyway darrell asked me to go to dinner with him which was the first time anyone had ever asked me to go out with them in an appropriate way, i had been asked hey you wanna go get drunk? but never asked to dinner. So i was impressed just by that alone, everything was going great, and he made me laugh more than anyone i had ever met. about 2 weeks after we started dating, he used coke at a party we went to, and thats when i found out he was addicted to cocaine and that he had just gotten out of rehab, i told him we could still be friends but that i could not be with someone who did drugs. we had a long conversation about how rehab had told him he would continue to lose everything if he kept using, he said now i know they are right and he promised he would never use again. That was 13 years ago and he has been clean ever since. Now i was already an alcoholic when we met, i had even completed a.a. but i didnt really think i had a problem i just thought i was young and liked to party (i was wrong). years later i started getting ovarian cysts, which are really painful, so my doctor started giving me pain killers, things got bad, i was constantly going to the er or a different doctor, and when they stopped giving them to me i started buying them off the street. Fast forward a few more years later and darrell was the one helping me overcome my addictions to alcohol and pain pills. Now What are the odds, i mean darrell met me someone who was against drugs, in a place filled with drug addicts, that alone is a miracle, and if he hadnt who knows where he might have ended up. If i had looked at him that night and said no big deal its okay, would he have stopped using? God knew that he needed me back then, and that i would need him later on. We have both had moments where we felt like giving up, but we never wanted to give up at the same time, and we have pulled each other back from the darkest places, that most never come out of. He makes me a better person, as i do him, yes we have had some pretty terrible times in our relationship, but we fought for us and refused to quit. My marriage is one of the things i am most proud of, only coming second to our children. The last 2 years and 9 months we have both been clean and sober, and we are so happy, and so much more in love than ever before. we are both incredibly thankful to have found each other. We beat the odds, and I thank God every day for bringing us together.
I have seen a few things lately talking about child abuse and how the abusers shouldnt be dealt with aggressively, but they need to be counseled and that they only do it because they themselves were abused.
That makes me so mad, i mean maybe they were abused but that doesn’t mean they must become abusers themselves, there is only one word that describes a parent who would harm their child, evil.
I was abused as a child in every way imaginable physically, sexually, emotionally, i went without food for days at a time and had to steal to feed my younger sister, so i know what it means to suffer, but i would never, could never hurt my children or any child, in fact because of what i went through i am very emotional about a childs feelings and well being, i have no problem at all stepping in and stopping someone even if i just think they are talking to their child inappropriately. I have never and will never stand by and do nothing if i think a child is in any danger, even if that means putting myself in danger to stop it.
People who abuse their children do not need to be counseled they need to be put in prison for life and have the other inmates treat them the way they treated their kids. Being abused as a child is not an excuse to grow up and abuse your children. But anyway that was a little venting on my part but please if you suspect any child is being harmed dont just let it go, make a difference call the police, do something. If you think something bad is happening to a child and do nothing, then you are just as guilty as the abuser. No child deserves to be hurt or forced to live in fear, and we have a responsibility to make sure they aren’t.
Hey everybody just wanted to let you know how awesome yawl are. I now have 400 followers, did i mention that you’re awesome? I appreciate each and every one of you so much,and i never imagined that so many people would care to read what i write. I started my blog in hopes of helping others whether that be for addiction or for the loss of a child or anything else i could be helpful with, but having this blog has really helped me, meeting all of you wonderful people has helped me discover things about myself that i was otherwise unaware of. You have all been a huge inspiration for me, So i just wanted to take minute to say thanks and you rock.
This post is not all about me, this post is for anyone who has ever went a day or two with out gaining any new followers, likes, or comments. It drives me crazy when that happens, so if you have been there then this post is for you. In the comments section feel free to leave a link to your blog as well as telling people a little bit on what your blog is about. I hope this helps everyone.
You see that picture above, that is a picture of my arch nemesis, the stupid wasp. I Hate Hate Hate these bees. A couple weeks ago i was so excited because we went out and bought my little ones a pool, not a huge pool but something they could go out and play and splash around in. But we have only been able to use it once because of the stupid bees, my house is surrounded by them and we have tried everything to get rid of em. I have tried bee spray, i tried putting a bottle filled with sugar water outside so they would drowned in it, i even tried gasoline, but nothing has worked. They are up inside the roof of my carport, inside the walls of the out building, and inside the wooden trim of our house. I never was bothered by them when i was younger, but after having about 4 of em go down the back of my shirt while i was mowing a few years ago, now i hate them. So do yawl have any advice on how to get rid of these things, cause they are so bad that i cant even take the kids outside to play now.
This morning i read a book, a book that i feel has the ability to help mend a childs broken heart, and give clarity where there was confusion. The book i am talking about is called, Daddy’s Disease, written by Carolyn Hannan Bell. It is a children’s book, that helps children who have an alcoholic parent understand what alcoholism is and how it works. Let me just say the author is genius in how she knows an alcoholics mind, and the simplicity she uses to explain alcoholism so that a child really understands. This book is not one that would bring most people to tears, but it did with me, because being a recovering alcoholic myself, i know that my children experienced some of these same feelings. Even though i have explained addiction to my children, i dont think they could truly grasp what i was saying, so i am going to be reading this book to them, just as soon as i have it in my hands. Now it is a childrens book but honestly i know many adults who could possibly benifit from reading it as well. So even if you dont have children, you should check it out.
When someone has a spouse who is an alcoholic, it is more often than not very hard to overcome their own emotional stress, and it can be hard to find the right words to explain to their children, exactly what is going on in a way that they understand it. This book is the perfect way to ensure that children know what is happening, and that most importantly they know that it is in know way their fault. I absolutely would recommend this book to anyone who has an alcoholic in the there family, or to anyone who just has a hard time really understanding how alcoholism works. I would like to thank Mrs. Carolyn Hannan Bell for writing such a wonderful book in efforts to help children experience less pain, due to having an alcoholic parent. For more information or to order a copy of her book go to http://www.alcoholismhurtskids.com Daddy’s Disease is also available as Mommy’s Disease.
Oh how i love my little one’s enthusiasm. Getting our garden ready, my little future farmer’s wanted to help. They had a blast, just slingen that dirt.
I wanted to share some information with everyone about suicide prevention. Suicide is something that happens everywhere in the world, AND it does not discriminate, it can happen in any family of any color with any sexual orientation and any background. It is something that is truly tragic and shakes the world of everyone involved. But there is good news it can be prevented, and there are many wonderful people fighting to do just that. A friend of mine named Denise Hancock is one of those people, she is an organizer for the AFSP’s Radford WalkOut of the Darkness Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.The Out of the Darkness Community Walks are the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s (AFSP) signature fundraising campaign, bringing together family, friends, colleagues, and supporters at 3-5 mile walks in hundreds of communities across the country.
When you walk in the Out of the Darkness Community Walks, you join the effort with thousands of people to raise funds and awareness for AFSP’s vision to create a world without suicide. If you want to donate to this cause or participate just go to, afsp.donordrive.com and you will find all the details you will need. We need to step up and do something to stop this. Every year 38,000 lives are lost to suicide in the u.s. alone, and over a million worldwide, this is an issue that deserves everyone’s attention. Please join us in our effort to end this. Again you can find all the information you will need at afsp.donordrive.com. Thank you for any help you can provide, even if it is just your support. If you or someone you know is in crisis please call 1-800-273-8255 the national suicide prevention lifeline.