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Posts tagged “loss

This Week Has Been A Sad One

Noah Thomas May he rest in peace

Noah Thomas
May he rest in peace

Hey everybody, i hope you all are doin good. The past week here in my neck of the woods has been pretty rough.
To start with a 5 year old little boy named Noah Thomas went missing on sunday, he lived about 10 miles from me. More than a thousand people volunteered their services to find him, but sadly he was found dead in a septic tank right next to his house yesterday evening. I did not know this little boy at all but hearing that news broke my heart. In all honesty i dont know if the parents had anything to do with his death or not, i know that some of the details they provided seem shady to me but im not gonna judge them until there is a reason to, so my thoughts and prayers are definitely with them.

A few days after little Noah went missing my husbands grandmother passed away, her funeral was today, and even though i know she is not suffering anymore and she is in a much better place, it makes me so sad because this world was a better place for having her in it. She was the kind of woman that i hope i will be some day, she was 89 years old and still worked in her garden, she was the most loving and generous person you could ever meet, and she loved God with all her heart, i mean if you were in a room with her you felt like family, even if you didnt know her. She will be greatly missed.

And the other reason this week was rough is because our daughters birthday was yesterday which is always hard and on this day 7 years ago we were standing in the exact same funeral home for our daughters funeral. It was the first time we had been back to that funeral home and for it to be on the exact same day her funeral was, i guess it just hit me kinda hard.
I really hope that wherever you all are in this world, that your week is going better than ours is here.

To my daughter in Heaven

assaf-frank-softness-iToday is a not so easy day for me, you see today is my daughters birthday. Her name was Rain Mckayla and she passed away in 2008, if she were still with us she would be 7 years old today. I think about her and miss her every single day of my life but on this day the sadness is much greater. I can imagine all of the things we would be doing right now if she were with us, i would be fixing her hair and getting her ready for her party, where she would make birthday wishes and blow out birthday candles, and i would tell her how much i love her and how beautiful she looks in her birthday dress. But i cant do any of those things and my feelings about that range from extreme anger to unbearable sadness. Which is not easy to handle, so i wrote her a poem and i thought i would share it here.

My darling Rain you were taken from me years ago,
and yes you are in heaven this i know,
but i want you here with me to watch you play and grow,
So many things ill never see,
your sweet little smile or my beautiful daughter climbing a tree,
oh how i wish i could hold your hand and kiss your cheek,
and tell you how much i love you all through the week,
but i will talk to you every night when i pray,
and mommy will come home and be with you again some day.
and though no longer in my arms i will hold you in my heart,
and i promise we’ll never be far apart.

Happy Birthday Rain, mommy and daddy miss you and love you so much.


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAimagesEveryone at some point in their life will have to overcome obstacles, and i am no exception. The 2 biggest things in my life that i have had to overcome are the death of my daughter and alcohol and drug addiction. When my daughter passed away i was in so much pain i wanted to give up on everything, and if it wasnt for my son needing me i would have. To lose a child is the most soul crushing experience there is, and my heart gos out to anyone else who has ever had to suffer through it. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that i will see my daughters beautiful face again when my time is up.  I have a very deep appreciation for my children and i am very emotional when it comes to a child or baby being mistreated, meaning if i see someone doing it i will go off on there head. (not kidding)

The second hardest thing i had to overcome was my addiction to alcohol and prescription pain killers. I have had a problem with alcohol since i was very young, i was 12 when my parents started to notice,  but they didnt care enough to try to stop me, so by the time i was 15 i had legally died twice , i was then put in AA and graduated even though i was drinking the whole time .  When  I was about 21 i developed an addiction to pain killers  after having several ovarian cysts rupture, the only time i was clean was when i was pregnant, if i wasnt pregnant i had something in my system. My rock bottom was in june of 2011. i weighed about 100 pounds, i would eat a mini bag of chips every few days, and i was drinking a half gallon of liquor plus a 12 pack every single day, and my tolerance to pills was so high that it wasnt worth buying them, i was away from my family, and about to lose them forever when Darrell asked me to come up while the kids were at his mothers, he said we would have fun so He  bought a bunch of alcohol just so i would come up. The next morning we talked about everything and he made me take a huge first step to getting clean, he made me pour all of the leftover alcohol down the sink, and i cried when i did it. After that i relapsed on july 26th of 2011, darrell married me 3 days later and i have been clean and sober ever since. so now i try to help people who have lost children or are dealing with addiction, i want everyone to know that no matter how bad things are they can always get better and there is hope.

What obstacles have you had to overcome in your life? If you feel like sharing you can do so in the comments, or if you want you can write a post about it and i will reblog it, as long as its clean.


We Miss you

tumblr_l8n3sef4vO1qbujoxToday is my daughters birthday. If she were still with us she would be 6 years old today, but the Lord needed her to come home.
Her name was Rain mckayla and i think about her and miss her every single day that i live, but on this day, it is overwhelming. Oh how i wish she were still here, i wish i could scoop her up in my arms and cover her with birthday kisses, i wish i could have a party for my little girl where we would shower her with gifts and watch her blow out birthday candles, but i cant do that, so instead sometime this week we will buy her some flowers and a small toy to place on her grave. We will visit our daughter and tell her how much we love her and miss her, we will tell her how one day mommy and daddy will be coming home to be with her, and that until then we will hold her in our hearts.
Happy Birthday Rain
we love you
mommy, daddy and your brothers

little ones lost

download (10)I lost my daughter in 2008. This poem is to all the mothers who have lost a child, i hope it will bring you some comfort.
What makes a mother? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother? And i know i heard him say. A mother has a baby this we know is true. But God can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you? Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some i send for a lifetime, and others for a day, and some i send to feel your womb but there’s no need to stay. I just dont understand this God i want my baby to be here. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then i saw a tear. I wish i could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with all the other children and say… we go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much i got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her every day, and when she goes to sleep, on her pillows where i lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, mommy dont be sad today im your baby and im near. So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born in my home, and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through. And on the day you come home, they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a mother, its the feeling in your heart. its the feelings you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know your the best one!