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Posts tagged “pain

Fear

dannytrejoWhat do you fear? I was helping a friend of mine take off trash from down town Blacksburg the other day and i noticed she seemed nervous, well when we got back in the vehicle she said i hate it when that happens, i said what, and she said it scared her cause two men were walking up the alleyway that we were in. That took me by surprise because i barely even noticed them, but it really shook her up. I told her she didnt need to be scared of anything like that especially when im with her cause i always carry a blade and im not afraid of stuff like that.
Well that got me thinking what is it that makes us fear certain things when others pay it no mind at all? It is just our lives i think, things that have caused us the most pain, or things we think will cause us pain. Me for example i am not afraid of big bearded men with tattoos or motorcycles or in all honesty anything else like that, i guess cause i grew up in a rough way. The only thing that scares me is the thought of losing another child, my husband, or something bad happening to one of them. I am not afraid of pain or anything when it comes to me, but man it tears me up to see one of them hurting or sad.
So what are you afraid of and do you know why you are afraid of it?


Eyes are the windows to the soul

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Look in someons eyes and you can see there soul,
in some you see life and joy, others just a dark hole.

Past mistakes and painful times
they make a mark and leave their lines.

Life gets hard and its easy to lose hope,
But you have to keep trying you cant just sit and mope.

Faith and endurance is what you will need,
Cause this thing called life can be tough indeed.


This is Heartbreaking

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How do you deal with something that you so desperately want to change but can not. I saw a picure earlier of a 3 year old child from africa, you could see every bone in his body, he is starving to death and there is nothing I can do about it. This devastates me, it crushes me that there are babies and children starving and in pain and I can not change it. I want so badly to just rap my arms around all of them and tell them everything is going to be alright. I want to bring them to my home cover them up with a big soft blanket and feed them, but I cant. I hate that there are so many millionaires in this country and all over the world who do nothing to help and the ones that do help dont even do 5 percent of what they could. Why? I dont really even know why im posting this, it just hurt me to see that picture and realize I cant change that childs life, and I just felt like writing. But if there was a point to this post it would be for everyone to be more charitable towards others, and if you can put your children in a warm bed warm,  not hungry, or in pain, then dont take that forgranted be grateful because so many people all over the world do not have the ability to do that.


Lost childhood

me

me

Lost childhood, this is something i think about quite frequently. Things like where would i be now if i had not wasted so much of my time drinking and doing drugs. you see i started drinking at a very early age. My wonderful mother let me get drunk for the first time at the ripe age of 9. And i loved how it made me feel, from that point on i gradually got worse, and by the age of 15 i had graduated alcoholics anonymous. by the way my mom helped me realize it didnt matter what i did the rest of the week as long as i wasnt drinking the day of my meetings, and that is how i graduated aa. It was a big joke in my family, i was diana their little alcoholic, no kidding that is what they called me, funny huh. I thought it was cool at the time. i never would have thought it would almost cost me my family and my life down the road. So those issues plus developing an addiction to pain pills a couple years after our 10 year old son was born, that equals a lot of wasted time, and missed opportunities. I never got to go to a school dance or prom, never got my license, never had a sweet sixteen party, and never graduated high school. and its not just the missed opportunities that bother me, but also that i thought all of it was normal. All the stupid stuff i saw my parents do, and the things i grew up with seemed normal to me. It wasnt until i met my husband that someone finally told me, hey that is really messed up. i just wish i had listened to him from the beginning, but i didnt i thought he was trying to control me. That was something my mother always used to say, men are only interested in 2 things sex, and controlling you. A part of me wishes i could go back in time and change these things. But the other part of me realizes that i would not be who i am now if i did that. And even though i may not be special or extraordinary by anybody elses standards, for the first time in my life i am very satisfied with myself.


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Vulnerable

Me

Me

My little ones

My little ones

We are all sensitive about something, and with me i am the most sensitive about my ability to be a good mother, it is one of my biggest fears that my children will grow up and feel the same about me as i do my mother. My mother was never there for me, i remember one specific incident where i had not seen or talked to my mother for a couple months, and i would call her house and cry and plead with her to answer the phone. I missed my mom so much, i would talk and beg on her answering machine until it cut me off. well one day my grandmother(my moms mom) kept me over night because my dad had to work, and when she heard me talking and crying she was furious. so she put me in the car and drove me to my moms house. when we got there she told my mom she was going to spend some time with me whether she wanted to or not. so we all drove to the park, and my mother would not even look at me, she sat on the opposite side of the bench, and the whole time we were there she only said three words to me, it was when we were about to leave, i said i love you mom and i tried to give her a kiss, she finally spoke and said dont touch me, and then she got up and walked away. I was 8 years old.
This was nowhere near the worst thing my mother ever did to me over the years, but it stood out to me. i suppose because it was the first time i had my heart broken. So i am very careful what i say to my children and how i act at all times. I never want them to feel the way i did that day, i am always kissing and hugging my little ones and telling them how much i love them. I know it kinda irritates my 10 year old, but thats okay. so now you know my biggest area of vulnerability and why all it takes to crush me inside, is saying that i am a bad mother, or for someone to compare me to my mother.


Life through the lens – What i see when i hear the word pain

This weeks Life through the lens challenge is pain, so i chose the two things that have been responsible for 90 percent of the pain i have had in my life, whether that be me using these items, me trying not to use these items or other loved ones and family members who do. They come with a promise of peace and bring nothing but pain for the user and the surrounding people. SketchGuru_20140904110351

https://mommyx4boys.wordpress.com/2014/09/02/life-through-the-lens-challenge-3/


Life Through The Lens Challenge

This weeks life through the lens challenge is Pain.
Display a photo that you have taken or a drawing that you did, which illustrates what Pain looks like to you.
This theme will be open to submissions until next tuesday September 9th, at which point it will close and a new theme will begin. When you are done with your post just do a pingback to here and at the end of every theme i will list all who participated.
This past weeks life through the lens challenge was Love, I want to say thank you to http://motherhendiaries.com/ and http://mentalinthemidwest.wordpress.com/ for participating.

http://mentalinthemidwest.wordpress.com/2014/08/26/creative-bits/

http://motherhendiaries.com/2014/08/27/life-through-the-lens-love/

https://mommyx4boys.wordpress.com/2014/08/29/life-through-the-lens-challenge-my-vision-of-love/


Forgivness

images (32)download (12)Hey everyone, i just joined Desmond Tutu’s global forgiveness challenge. I have never had a problem forgiving others, that actually comes quite easily for me. But what doesnt come easily or at all it seems is forgiving myself, i have made a lot of bad choices in my life, and caused everyone i love a lot of pain, mainly because of drugs and alcohol, but i made them none the less. I thought that with time i would be able to move on and begin to feel like a decent human being, but it hasnt happened yet. It is hard for me to even have a normal argument with my husband because somewhere in the middle of it, i start telling my self that after everything i put him through i have no right to argue about anything. ( He doesnt say that, i just think it about myself.) And I have so many wonderful followers who are always telling me how i am a great woman, and how strong i am. which is so very appreciated, but i always feel like they are talking about someone else, and like i dont really deserve what they are saying. I know that my husband, children, and everyone else who matters, has forgiven me but how do i forgive myself? I hope that the next 30 days of going through this challenge will bring me a little bit closer to the forgiveness i am seeking. Here is the link to the forgiveness challenge www.forgivenesschallenge.com in case anyone else needs some help with forgiving.