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Posts tagged “recovery

Clean, Sober, and living my dream

It is amazing to me how much can be accomplished when you have a clear head and arent chasing after your next high. Four years ago i was a drug addict, alcoholic nobody about to lose my family, so if someone had told me where I would be now, I would have called them a liar.
I am no longer addicted to anything but life, God, my family, and maybe my love for riding and our motorcycles, lol. I have been so blessed, much more so then I deserve, of that i am sure! 
My life is everything i always wished for when I was a little girl, I have an amazing husband (without which none of this would be possible) great kids, and im healthy. For me there is just no way things could be any better! Im so unbelievably happy. Here are some pics of my family and our motorcycles.

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Overcome

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAimagesEveryone at some point in their life will have to overcome obstacles, and i am no exception. The 2 biggest things in my life that i have had to overcome are the death of my daughter and alcohol and drug addiction. When my daughter passed away i was in so much pain i wanted to give up on everything, and if it wasnt for my son needing me i would have. To lose a child is the most soul crushing experience there is, and my heart gos out to anyone else who has ever had to suffer through it. The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that i will see my daughters beautiful face again when my time is up.  I have a very deep appreciation for my children and i am very emotional when it comes to a child or baby being mistreated, meaning if i see someone doing it i will go off on there head. (not kidding)

The second hardest thing i had to overcome was my addiction to alcohol and prescription pain killers. I have had a problem with alcohol since i was very young, i was 12 when my parents started to notice,  but they didnt care enough to try to stop me, so by the time i was 15 i had legally died twice , i was then put in AA and graduated even though i was drinking the whole time .  When  I was about 21 i developed an addiction to pain killers  after having several ovarian cysts rupture, the only time i was clean was when i was pregnant, if i wasnt pregnant i had something in my system. My rock bottom was in june of 2011. i weighed about 100 pounds, i would eat a mini bag of chips every few days, and i was drinking a half gallon of liquor plus a 12 pack every single day, and my tolerance to pills was so high that it wasnt worth buying them, i was away from my family, and about to lose them forever when Darrell asked me to come up while the kids were at his mothers, he said we would have fun so He  bought a bunch of alcohol just so i would come up. The next morning we talked about everything and he made me take a huge first step to getting clean, he made me pour all of the leftover alcohol down the sink, and i cried when i did it. After that i relapsed on july 26th of 2011, darrell married me 3 days later and i have been clean and sober ever since. so now i try to help people who have lost children or are dealing with addiction, i want everyone to know that no matter how bad things are they can always get better and there is hope.

What obstacles have you had to overcome in your life? If you feel like sharing you can do so in the comments, or if you want you can write a post about it and i will reblog it, as long as its clean.

 


My Heart

Darrell

Darrell


For those of you who dont know, this gorgeous man is my husband and he is an amazing person.
This picture was taken about 3 1/2 years ago, we had just done a 30 mile hike and camped in a tent that was broke. I took this picture at 6:30 in the morning when we were on our way home. We were so tired, our feet hurt so bad, and he still looked amazing, while i on the other hand looked like a raccoon had slept in my hair and i had been beaten with an ugly stick, lol.
This man works 13 hours a day 4 days a week, night shift. His days off are not really days off at all, on those days he works the business that we started, and he still manages to run back and fourth to stores for me whenever i need something, and continues to put up with my zombie obsession.
Not to mention the fact that he was the only person who believed in me and loved me enough to help me get clean and sober. This man is my heart and in the past when i was using i put him through so much, anyone else would have given up and moved on, but he wouldnt quit. I know he still has fears about me going back to drugs or drinking, anybody would. I just wish there was a magical word i could say to let him know just how much i love him and that i would never ever hurt him again, but theres not so time will just have to show it.
That is one of the hardest things about recovery, its knowing with every fiber of your being that you will never go back to using, but seeing the fear and worry on your loved ones faces, because even though you know you wont do it again they dont.
But I am rambling, I just wanted to write a little something today to let my amazing husband know just how much he means to me and how much I love him.
I love you Darrell with all my heart and soul, Thankyou for being such a wonderful man .


An Addicts plea

Me a couple years ago.

Me a couple years ago.

I am so sorry for the things i have done, if i could go back not only would i go, i would run.
But retain my memories i would, so i remember what not to do and what i should.
I wish i had always been the person that i am now, but i couldnt back then i didnt know how.
The lies i told i can not count, i wonder will my loved ones always doubt?
So i ask of you this, see me as i am, really see, im not the same as i used to be.


Lost childhood

me

me

Lost childhood, this is something i think about quite frequently. Things like where would i be now if i had not wasted so much of my time drinking and doing drugs. you see i started drinking at a very early age. My wonderful mother let me get drunk for the first time at the ripe age of 9. And i loved how it made me feel, from that point on i gradually got worse, and by the age of 15 i had graduated alcoholics anonymous. by the way my mom helped me realize it didnt matter what i did the rest of the week as long as i wasnt drinking the day of my meetings, and that is how i graduated aa. It was a big joke in my family, i was diana their little alcoholic, no kidding that is what they called me, funny huh. I thought it was cool at the time. i never would have thought it would almost cost me my family and my life down the road. So those issues plus developing an addiction to pain pills a couple years after our 10 year old son was born, that equals a lot of wasted time, and missed opportunities. I never got to go to a school dance or prom, never got my license, never had a sweet sixteen party, and never graduated high school. and its not just the missed opportunities that bother me, but also that i thought all of it was normal. All the stupid stuff i saw my parents do, and the things i grew up with seemed normal to me. It wasnt until i met my husband that someone finally told me, hey that is really messed up. i just wish i had listened to him from the beginning, but i didnt i thought he was trying to control me. That was something my mother always used to say, men are only interested in 2 things sex, and controlling you. A part of me wishes i could go back in time and change these things. But the other part of me realizes that i would not be who i am now if i did that. And even though i may not be special or extraordinary by anybody elses standards, for the first time in my life i am very satisfied with myself.


Special

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA114OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA1391002644761106084I know that to most people my life would not be considered special, I dont have a high paying job, i dont save lives, im not a wonderful artist, and i have only visited three other states in my whole life. But every day i wake up to my family who needs me, that is something i have never felt before, to be needed. It is a great feeling.
In the past few years i have completely devoted myself to my family, and the satisfaction i feel every night when i go to sleep is amazing.
Back when i was doing drugs i still did some of the stuff i do now. I fed my children, and straightened up the house some, but my heart wasn’t in it, and everyone paid the price. I think that is why i appreciate everything so much more now, there is a huge differance in the way i think about things now and the way i thought about things then. I am invested now, with my whole heart and all my time and energy.
My son knows that when he comes home from school i will be here cooking dinner and cleaning the house, that makes me feel good.
When i was young i didnt have that feeling of comfort coming home from school, i was always scared to go through my front door, because my mother left my father for an alcoholic who beat her. I was so scared that one day i would come home and instead of finding her beat up she would dead, either by his hands or her own , as she had sliced her wrists down to the bone just a couple years prior. I dont even talk to my mother anymore, but i still have nightmares about that. And knowing that my children will never go through that, that they will never feel that sense of dread coming home, makes me very happy. And this is a kind of happiness i have never experienced until now, its happiness that comes from a good place not a pill bottle or a twelve pack.
I know i dont have a huge house, or a lot of money, and i doubt i will ever be able to go to Ireland like i want to, But their are 5 people whos lives i change positively every day. Its funny you hear so many people say dont tell me im a bad parent, i would die for my kids. which is fine but can you do the harder job and live for them. To die for someone you love is easy, but can you devote yourself to them and really love them more than you love yourself, I can and I do, and I now realize that everything i have is a blessing. my children, my husband, my home, and my sobriety. so today i will not change the world, but what i do keeps four children, and one great man happy and knowing that they are loved. And guess what that makes me pretty special.


Clean and Sober

20140727_121243Hey everybody,
I am so Happy today, because on this day ( July 27th ) three years ago i drank my last beer, woot woot so awesome.I cant believe it has been three years, I never thought i could go longer than 9 months for a pregnancy.
On this day 3 years ago Darrell was considering not marrying me, because he came home and i was drunk and our kids were with me. Everyone told him to leave me alone, they said she will never change, and our wedding was supposed to be in three days. Thank God he didnt listen to everyone else cause i did change, BAMM WHAT Lol.
I wish i could get the word out to every addict and alcoholic in the world, that life is so much better when you’re clean. It has been 3 years since i drank any alcohol, and it has been more than 3 years since i abused pills. The last time i took any medication was right after my c-section 2 1/2 years ago, and even then i had my husband hold them and give them to me as prescribed, i was new in recovery and worried i wouldnt be able to take them like i was supposed to. I owe so much to my wonderful husband for helping to get me clean and in the beginning helping me to stay clean. Now there is nothing in this world that could ever make me wanna pick up that bottle again, i love that i finally know who i am. I never did before, alcohol was the very definition of me thats what others saw and its what i thought of myself, but now i really have a self. Its like spending more than half of your life without a soul and then you get clean and discover that it was there all along but it was being covered by your addictions. I am so thankful for my sobriety, my husband, my children, my life. I know that most of you all dont really know how bad i use to be but i was bad, at my worst point i weighed about 100 pounds, i never ate, and i could drink a couple bottles of liquor plus a 12 pack and walk just fine, pill wise it was to the point where i could take or snort 5 or 6 and not feel a thing except nautious. Doctors said my liver was in bad shape, and i didnt care.
But now i am in great health, my family is doing better than ever, and i truly love and enjoy everything about my life. Thanks to all of my wonderful new friends here on wordpress, you have helped me a lot on my journey, and i really appreciate all the support and love you have sent my way.

This post is dedicated To my wonderful husband, thank you so much babe i wouldnt be here without you, i love you so much and i am so very blessed to have you in my life, there isnt a man on this earth that could ever compare to you in my eyes.


Poem from a recovering addict

images (37)images (36)I write of my life in hopes it may,

help someone, somehow, somewhere, some day,.

The truth sometimes hard to tell,

but to see the way, you must lift the vail.

So i tell my stories and let you in,

so you’ll know who i am and where i’ve been.

Read my words and learn from my error’s,

addiction is powerful, and creates many terrors.

Life is hard, of this there is no doubt,

but alcohol and drugs lead down the wrong route.

This is my message, take from it what you will,

but i speak the truth, i’ve lived it, i am the real deal.


Drop The Excuses, From an Addict

th (11)20140628_135531Let me start by saying that i know a lot of people will not like this post,but oh well it really needs to be said. anyone who has read much of my blog, knows that i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, you would also know that i do not say things like well i had a disease so its not my fault. But i have seen more and more people here lately, who dont take responsibility for their own actions because addiction has been labeled a disease, which is not something i agree with.
A disease in my mind is not something that you have the power to control, for example cancer. you can not wake up and say i dont want to have cancer any more, i am sick of this disease and then poof you dont have cancer anymore, but you can do that with addiction. people seldom do, but it can be done. people (especially addicts) use anything they can as an excuse. and because people call addiction a disease that gives the addict a (its not my fault card). I remember when i had just gotten sober, i had 28 days clean, that night i went to an aa meeting which went well, until i heard someone say if you relapse its okay, it happens to all of us. BOOM there it was my excuse to use, the next day i was drunk. it devastated my husband and family, and as if that wasnt bad enough i did this 3 days before my wedding day. I thank God every day that my husband didnt listen to all the people who said i would never change, and that he had the courage to marry me. and i think it is safe to say that anyone who had their doubts about me at that time is now very glad that darrell and i got married. anyway my point is i saw an excuse and i used it. I think that all of the labels we put on things now really does more harm than good, because once something has a name it is considered wrong to say anything bad about the person behind the label. So if i were to tell another addict they are selfish, inconsiderate, and that they are the one to blame for their problems, people would come from every direction to tell me how i dont know what im talking about, and that it is not their fault it is the disease. Sometimes in life you have to admit that you are the one to blame and that you are the only one who can fix the problems that you created. I will leave you with one of the best pieces of advice i have ever received, when i quit using my husband looked at me and said always be true to yourself, because if you are true to yourself, let go of the excuses, and stop trying to put the blame somewhere else it makes messing up a lot harder.


Undeniably Meant To Be

me and darrell a month after we met, i was 17

me and darrell a month after we met, i was 17

My husband and I have over came so many obstacles in our life together, that i know without a doubt we are just meant to be with one another.
When we first met we were both hanging around a lot of trashy people, who did a lot of trashy things, anyway darrell asked me to go to dinner with him which was the first time anyone had ever asked me to go out with them in an appropriate way, i had been asked hey you wanna go get drunk? but never asked to dinner. So i was impressed just by that alone, everything was going great, and he made me laugh more than anyone i had ever met. about 2 weeks after we started dating, he used coke at a party we went to, and thats when i found out he was addicted to cocaine and that he had just gotten out of rehab, i told him we could still be friends but that i could not be with someone who did drugs. we had a long conversation about how rehab had told him he would continue to lose everything if he kept using, he said now i know they are right and he promised he would never use again. That was 13 years ago and he has been clean ever since. Now i was already an alcoholic when we met, i had even completed a.a. but i didnt really think i had a problem i just thought i was young and liked to party (i was wrong). years later i started getting ovarian cysts, which are really painful, so my doctor started giving me pain killers, things got bad, i was constantly going to the er or a different doctor, and when they stopped giving them to me i started buying them off the street. Fast forward a few more years later and darrell was the one helping me overcome my addictions to alcohol and pain pills. Now What are the odds, i mean darrell met me someone who was against drugs, in a place filled with drug addicts, that alone is a miracle, and if he hadnt who knows where he might have ended up. If i had looked at him that night and said no big deal its okay, would he have stopped using? God knew that he needed me back then, and that i would need him later on. We have both had moments where we felt like giving up, but we never wanted to give up at the same time, and we have pulled each other back from the darkest places, that most never come out of. He makes me a better person, as i do him, yes we have had some pretty terrible times in our relationship, but we fought for us and refused to quit. My marriage is one of the things i am most proud of, only coming second to our children. The last 2 years and 9 months we have both been clean and sober, and we are so happy, and so much more in love than ever before. we are both incredibly thankful to have found each other. We beat the odds, and I thank God every day for bringing us together.


Life through the lens – What i see when i hear the word pain

This weeks Life through the lens challenge is pain, so i chose the two things that have been responsible for 90 percent of the pain i have had in my life, whether that be me using these items, me trying not to use these items or other loved ones and family members who do. They come with a promise of peace and bring nothing but pain for the user and the surrounding people. SketchGuru_20140904110351

https://mommyx4boys.wordpress.com/2014/09/02/life-through-the-lens-challenge-3/


Update on my life

Me, Dominik, and Donnie

Me, Dominik, and Donnie

Me

Me

Its been a long time since i sat down and wrote out a good post, life has really kicked into full speed here lately, but in a good way. Those of you who have been following me for much time at all or read my about page, know that i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I have talked a lot on here about how great life is when you are clean and sober and its true, but it was not easy in the beginning. My husband didnt trust me, my husbands family didnt trust me, nobody did. Everyone was waiting for me to mess up, and with good reason. But now after three years, life is finally feeling like it is supposed to feel, just normal. My husband and i have a wonderful relationship now, we keep nothing from each other at all. I have no secrets from him and he has none from me, We share everything. In the beginning it kinda had to be that way so that he would know that i wasnt using again, but now its just natural and great. I am more in love with him now after 14 years of being together than i ever have been, and i know he feels the same. Darrell and i have turned everything around, we did what everyone said couldnt be done we solved our issues, and not only saved our relationship but made it so much better. Our family is thriving.
But that is just one of the many great things about how my life is going now, we have been trying to get a house for a while now and we are expected to close on it in october, woot woot.
The kids are all doing great, Dustin who is 19 is in college ( so proud of him ), Dj (10) is in 5th grade this year and is such a good kid, Dominik just turned 5 and had a great birthday party, and my little Donnie (2) is starting to talk like crazy and just growing so fast.
In edition to everything else i just shared we have started our own business on the side which is going really good, and Darrell got a promotion at his regular job to, Life is great. I still need that nose job lol, but other than that everything is perfect. I hope all of your lives are going just as wonderfully as mine is and if not, dont lose hope things will get better, im living proof of that. Oh and i havent had a smoke in like 3 weeks, just sayin.