come check out my awesomness

Posts tagged “sad

My Son

20150529_10445920150529_115626Today was an awesome and emotional day, today my first-born son graduated fifth grade. No more elementary school for him. Today as i watched him walk across the floor to get his certificate, i felt exactly the same as i did on his first day of kindergarten, i felt proud, anxious, nervous for what was to come, and kinda sad that my baby is growing up. I felt the tears coming, but i think i did pretty good at hiding it, i didn’t want to embarrass him on his last day! Now to my son, D.j. i know you will read this in a little while and i want you to know that i am so proud of the young man you are becoming, but just because you’re growing up doesn’t mean you aren’t my baby anymore. I love you more than anything and you will always be my baby boy. Love mom.

The easy way out

images (56)thThe easy way in life is getting us nowhere, but it takes away the burden of really having to care.
When the doctor gives you pills instead of fixing the problem, its the easy way out this is the wrong route.
When you get a divorce instead of trying, a part of your soul is simply dyeing .
When your child wants to talk about drugs and you say just wait, then the next day they’re gone and its to late. Feeling sad just take a pill, you wont care anymore lifes not real.
So you see the easy way out is never the solution, it only creates massive confusion.





My little ones

My little ones

We are all sensitive about something, and with me i am the most sensitive about my ability to be a good mother, it is one of my biggest fears that my children will grow up and feel the same about me as i do my mother. My mother was never there for me, i remember one specific incident where i had not seen or talked to my mother for a couple months, and i would call her house and cry and plead with her to answer the phone. I missed my mom so much, i would talk and beg on her answering machine until it cut me off. well one day my grandmother(my moms mom) kept me over night because my dad had to work, and when she heard me talking and crying she was furious. so she put me in the car and drove me to my moms house. when we got there she told my mom she was going to spend some time with me whether she wanted to or not. so we all drove to the park, and my mother would not even look at me, she sat on the opposite side of the bench, and the whole time we were there she only said three words to me, it was when we were about to leave, i said i love you mom and i tried to give her a kiss, she finally spoke and said dont touch me, and then she got up and walked away. I was 8 years old.
This was nowhere near the worst thing my mother ever did to me over the years, but it stood out to me. i suppose because it was the first time i had my heart broken. So i am very careful what i say to my children and how i act at all times. I never want them to feel the way i did that day, i am always kissing and hugging my little ones and telling them how much i love them. I know it kinda irritates my 10 year old, but thats okay. so now you know my biggest area of vulnerability and why all it takes to crush me inside, is saying that i am a bad mother, or for someone to compare me to my mother.

little ones lost

download (10)I lost my daughter in 2008. This poem is to all the mothers who have lost a child, i hope it will bring you some comfort.
What makes a mother? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother? And i know i heard him say. A mother has a baby this we know is true. But God can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you? Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some i send for a lifetime, and others for a day, and some i send to feel your womb but there’s no need to stay. I just dont understand this God i want my baby to be here. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then i saw a tear. I wish i could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with all the other children and say… we go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much i got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her every day, and when she goes to sleep, on her pillows where i lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, mommy dont be sad today im your baby and im near. So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born in my home, and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through. And on the day you come home, they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a mother, its the feeling in your heart. its the feelings you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know your the best one!