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Posts tagged “smoker

My last addiction

images (20)Hello all,
I dont think i have mentioned it in any of my other posts but i am a smoker, i have been trying to stop for many years, but i always seem to get stuck on about three a day. I have been smoking since i was 9, and at 12 my mother started buying them for me, mother of the year yawl. I am 29 now so i have been a smoker for 20 years. My husband though has never even took a puff off of a cigarette, and has been determined for the better part of 13 years to turn me into a non smoker. Just saying that seems so strange, me a non smoker. Smoking is the one thing that has not changed about me in 20 years, to me it just seems like me. I remember a few years back complaining to my mom that darrell (my husband) wouldnt stop fussing about me smoking, her response was, he isnt your daddy you dont have to listen to that. Now that i am not drunk or on dope, i cant believe she said that, what parent gets mad at someone who is trying to save their daughters life, Mother of the year strikes again. But I use to really love smoking, it brought me so much pleasure, and my cigarettes were always there for me when i needed a friend. But now every time i light one up the only feelings i have are guilt and fear. I know that i am doing something that will eventually kill me, i try to justify it sometimes but it doesnt work anymore. And images of my death bed flash into my head, or my children standing at my casket with their hearts broken all because i needed another cigarette. I know that this is going to be another thing i have to just quit, i am not a person who can taper off, or use a nicotine replacement, as i would just get addicted to that to. But that last step is proving to be the hardest. I have fought it for so long and i am tired. Tired of not eating whenever i want to because i know i will want a cigarette afterwards, tired of sneaking around so that my kids dont see it, and tired of being selfish knowing that with every drag i take i am one step closer to death. I yearn for the day when i will not be dependent on any kind of chemical. So i have to ask a favor of anyone who reads this, keep me in your prayers as i will be trying to quit again. And maybe within the next few weeks i will be rid of my last addiction, and be a non smoker again for the first time in 20 years. I also have to say thank you to my husband, he has been my rock through everything, and if it were not for him i would be lost. I love you babe, thanks for standing up for whats right and not wavering.