Painful reminders

Hello all, wanted to drop in and tell you a little bit about my thursday night, and how it sucked because my husband gave me 2 beautiful new rings. Well thats not actually why it sucked but it has something to do with it.
so thursday night my husband being the sweet person that he is, decided that for no reason at all he was going to surprise me with two new rings, of course i was blown away. Well i decided i needed to clean out my jewelry boxes and make room for my new pieces. Thats when it happened i realized that my sterling silver claddagh ring was missing, my palms began to sweat and my heart started to race, now i know you think im being over dramatic, but hear me out. You see the reason i was so freaked out is because when i was using drugs and drinking if i didnt have money i would sometimes sell or trade my jewelry for what i wanted, And i knew that my husband was going to be suspicious about if that was what i had done again. I searched everywhere under the dressers, in the cars, diaper bags, anywhere i could think of, so anxious to find it and say see babe i didnt sell it for drugs you can still trust me, but that did not happen i couldnt find it. So i did the only thing i could do i cried. When my husband walked into the kitchen i was standing against the stove crying and he was like whats wrong why are you crying, i told him i was sorry about losing the ring he bought me and i said i swear im not doing drugs again Please believe me, he said he believed me, but it didnt really make me feel any better. It was like i had been hit by the cold hard fist of reality. and the bad things i had done were coming back up. I couldnt stand the thought of him wondering and worrying about weather or not i was using drugs again, and even though he said he believed me, i knew if the tables were turned i would have my doubts. But it was just another reminder that the stuff i did while i was an active addict, did not disappear into nothingness. There will be painful reminders of the hurt i caused and damage that i did. And i wonder will it always be this way, will i ever be able to think of myself as a good person, wife and mother. Or will the memories of my wrong doings always plague me, (I hope not) Anyway im still searching for my ring and hoping i will find it. And to my husband, thanks for not losing faith in me babe. I love you!

February 22, 2014 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: doubt, drugs, husband, recovering | 5 Comments