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Vulnerable

Me

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My little ones

My little ones

We are all sensitive about something, and with me i am the most sensitive about my ability to be a good mother, it is one of my biggest fears that my children will grow up and feel the same about me as i do my mother. My mother was never there for me, i remember one specific incident where i had not seen or talked to my mother for a couple months, and i would call her house and cry and plead with her to answer the phone. I missed my mom so much, i would talk and beg on her answering machine until it cut me off. well one day my grandmother(my moms mom) kept me over night because my dad had to work, and when she heard me talking and crying she was furious. so she put me in the car and drove me to my moms house. when we got there she told my mom she was going to spend some time with me whether she wanted to or not. so we all drove to the park, and my mother would not even look at me, she sat on the opposite side of the bench, and the whole time we were there she only said three words to me, it was when we were about to leave, i said i love you mom and i tried to give her a kiss, she finally spoke and said dont touch me, and then she got up and walked away. I was 8 years old.
This was nowhere near the worst thing my mother ever did to me over the years, but it stood out to me. i suppose because it was the first time i had my heart broken. So i am very careful what i say to my children and how i act at all times. I never want them to feel the way i did that day, i am always kissing and hugging my little ones and telling them how much i love them. I know it kinda irritates my 10 year old, but thats okay. so now you know my biggest area of vulnerability and why all it takes to crush me inside, is saying that i am a bad mother, or for someone to compare me to my mother.

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38 responses

  1. I had a toxic mother too (she died in Feb)…there was just nothing there..warmth..love. I focus on my kids. I have 5. You can never say I love you too much..and you can always be a different momma. I am and it sounds like you are too! Sooooooo…WINNING 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    May 7, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    • im sorry to hear you had a mother like mine, im also sorry to hear she passed away.but kudos to you for being a great mom

      Like

      May 7, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      • in many ways her passing was a relief. We had good moments at the end. maybe I should say healing moments but the fact is, it was never what I wanted or the child in me deserved. I hope you have found peace in your dealings with her

        Like

        May 7, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      • I still love her and I suppose I always will, but she is not allowed the privilege of having me or my children in her life.

        Like

        May 7, 2014 at 2:13 pm

      • That is pretty much what I did till the end…. I wish you well 🙂

        Like

        May 7, 2014 at 2:37 pm

  2. Jamila

    You are a GOOD mother sweetie!! Lots of hugs xo Beautiful writing..

    Liked by 1 person

    May 7, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    • Thank you very much.

      Like

      May 7, 2014 at 2:06 pm

      • Jamila

        🙂

        Like

        May 7, 2014 at 2:16 pm

  3. We are good moms! We both addressed an issue we have/had and have vowed to make sure our kids know how much we love them. I will never be like my mother….

    Liked by 1 person

    May 7, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    • Thank you, I am glad you we were both able to break the cycle.

      Like

      May 7, 2014 at 3:57 pm

  4. Reblogged this on Dia Linn sister and commented:
    Ditto.

    Like

    May 7, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    • Wow thanks. It is always great when someone likes your writing enough to post it on their own blog.

      Like

      May 7, 2014 at 4:04 pm

  5. Momz Happy Hour

    That is awful and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I think some mothers should just stop having kids all together.. what she did to you, my heart breaks for you and I wish I could erase those bad memories for you. You are NOTHING like your mother and you’re doing great for your kids. Your kids look happy, healthy and doing well – and that’s half the battle of being a mother right there! You being there, not drinking, and doing for them what needs to be done shows how great of a mother you’re trying to be. Don’t ever fear not being one. My mother was there but not completely emotionally in ways I needed her so in some ways, I know how you feel. It’s an awful feeling and I never want my kids to go through that as well.
    I think the only thing we can all do as moms is TRY our best and that’s what you’re doing.

    You’ll be fine as a mom. I promise! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    May 8, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    • Thank you so much, and its okay that she treated me like that, I now have the perfect example of what not to do when it comes to being a mother. I do get a kinda emotional on mothers day, I guess it still hurts me a little to know my mother doesnt care. But you cant make someone be a good person, you cant make someone love you, and you cant change the past.

      Like

      May 8, 2014 at 2:04 pm

      • Momz Happy Hour

        exactly !! you have to leave it in God’s hands and some people are only a “mother” by title, and nothing more.. that’s what she was.. and you being a better mother than she was, shows that you’ve learned from her and you have to be thankful for that 🙂 I love the way you look at things. God bless you and your kids!

        Like

        May 8, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      • Thank you sweetie, and may God bless you and yours as well.

        Like

        May 8, 2014 at 2:33 pm

      • Momz Happy Hour

        thank you 🙂

        Like

        May 8, 2014 at 2:43 pm

  6. dbgb1986

    You’re very honest here. Most people are not.

    Like

    May 13, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    • It is hard to be honest about some things, but if im not gonna be honest why even write? I ha e discovered things about myself that I didnt even realize until I wrote them, and I love it.

      Liked by 1 person

      May 13, 2014 at 10:22 pm

  7. Wow. This post, although dated, really opens up part of you that I was totally unaware of. I’m lucky, in that I have a lovin’ mother who was always there for me so I can’t really say that I KNOW what you felt, still feel but I can and do sympathize with you. And yes, from what I know you are an awesome mom and always will be.

    Liked by 1 person

    July 11, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    • Thankyou so much, i really do appreciate that. I havent spoken to my mother for more than 3 years, she has never even met my youngest son, and i have no plans for her to.

      Like

      July 11, 2014 at 5:46 pm

      • I don’t blame you for not lettin’ her meet the youngest one either.

        Like

        July 11, 2014 at 5:47 pm

  8. Wow! That is so heartbreaking! What kind of mom doesn’t tell her child she loves her! You are a great mom and don’t have to worry about being inadequate as a mother, I can see that you love your kids very much and I know they can feel it!

    Like

    July 12, 2014 at 10:05 am

    • Thankyou so much, hearing that from someone that i know is a wonderful mother really makes me feel good.

      Like

      July 12, 2014 at 10:08 am

  9. This is a great post. I always like honesty wherever I find it. What you share is important, not just for yourself or others who may feel the same way. Perhaps you might want to put this post under a separate tag, something you can save for later.

    I say this because parents, good or bad, loving or indifferent, are always a bit of a mystery to their children. Maybe your children will want to read this in the future, maybe when they have children of their own. Having it there for them would be a good thing, I would imagine. They can read it and know their fears were once your own, and they can know what struggles you had to overcome in raising them.

    Like

    September 30, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    • That is a very good idea, i might start copying some of my posts and saving them for when they are older. thankyou

      Like

      September 30, 2014 at 11:06 pm

  10. Rough. I, too, am hyper-aware of how the way I was treated as a child is connected to how I want to treat my children. My parents had it rough, as did their parents. It’s like my husband and I are being called to make a big generational leap…into an unknown place where adults and children are treated with respect, thrive, grow. It’s like we’re doing it not only for ourselves and our children, but for all our parents before us. It’s a big deal, a lot of work, yet so worth it.

    You bet we’re good mothers. Damn right.

    Like

    October 1, 2014 at 12:45 am

    • It is hard work to be a mother, and some women just arent meant to be mothers. I dont have that problem though and it doesnt sound like you do either.

      Liked by 1 person

      October 1, 2014 at 1:03 am

      • I’m definitely up to the challenge (most days) 🙂 Have a great rest of the week.

        Like

        October 1, 2014 at 8:33 pm

      • You to hon 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        October 1, 2014 at 8:36 pm

  11. mzpresser

    The good news is that you are here, a product of your mother who you did not choose. But as a result of her bringing you into the world, your children now are blessed. She was the vessel, you are the light. You truly are a Proverbs 31 woman!
    “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also , and he praises her. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
    Many blessings to you today, you are beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

    October 1, 2014 at 6:35 am

    • What a wonderful compliment, my son actually wrote proverbs 31 in my card on mothers day. Thankyou

      Liked by 1 person

      October 1, 2014 at 9:19 am

  12. You, are a wonderful Mom 🙂

    Like

    October 1, 2014 at 6:46 am

  13. It breaks my heart to read how your mother treated you. Hopefully, you know now that it was something deep and broken inside of her rather than anything that had to do with you. The fact that you worry and care about yourself as a mother means that your kiddos will always know what you mean to them. A really good friend once told me that we can only love our kids as much as we love ourselves. Yep, that hits hard. Love and nurture yourself beautiful lady. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    October 1, 2014 at 7:11 am

    • Thankyou sweetie, I know it was about her and not me but it took a long time to figure that out.

      Like

      October 1, 2014 at 9:21 am

  14. Every parent, no matter how wonderful or awful, teaches a lesson to their children. In your case, your mother taught you a lesson about pain and heartbreak- and what “not to be.” The recognition of your mother’s failings is as much a driver for you to be a solid, loving parent as if she had been a caring parent herself… yours was a harder lesson to learn though, because there was no example to follow on how to do it right. This makes you stronger, because you had to take a broken, hard lesson, and turn it into something good- and your motivation to avoid doing the same to your children is the outcome. As long as you remember your pain, and remember the lesson, and use that when you parent…your boys will be just fine.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 1, 2014 at 8:11 am

    • Thankyou so much, its funny you said I had no example to follow on how to do it right, and that is so true, with everything, it wasnt easy unteaching myself most things and relearning, but loving my kids the way a mother should was very easy.

      Like

      October 1, 2014 at 9:29 am

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