You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself
but you killed everyone else around you too. There is help out there
I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving, I definitely did! I spent my day cooking and my son dj helped me for the first time so I really enjoyed that, getting to teach him some of my cooking tricks was a lot of fun for me! But I spent my day with the people I love the most in this world, except my son Dustin he had to work which stunk but it was a great day anyway and I ate way to much, lol! And my amazing husband even helped me clean up afterwards!
It is amazing to me how much can be accomplished when you have a clear head and arent chasing after your next high. Four years ago i was a drug addict, alcoholic nobody about to lose my family, so if someone had told me where I would be now, I would have called them a liar.
I am no longer addicted to anything but life, God, my family, and maybe my love for riding and our motorcycles, lol. I have been so blessed, much more so then I deserve, of that i am sure!
My life is everything i always wished for when I was a little girl, I have an amazing husband (without which none of this would be possible) great kids, and im healthy. For me there is just no way things could be any better! Im so unbelievably happy. Here are some pics of my family and our motorcycles.
Happy anniversary to the man who holds my heart and the love of my life, we have been together for 15 years and I love you more and more with every year that passes.
I love you Darrell.
My husband and I turned my motorcycle into a bobber and I love it so much, it couldn’t be more perfect for me! Here are some before and after pics.
Takin the motorcycle out in a little while with my hubby, cant wait I love goin riding!
I love love love my new car, well its not actually new but it is new for me to be the one driving it and it has a new paint job. It was all red and the paint was chipping off but me and my hubby painted it, she looks so much better now! Thats right i said she, i am one of those people now and her name is sookie, lol. Here is a picture of my girl sookie before and after paint. She is so beautiful! A big thankyou to my wonderful husband for teaching me how to tape her up, and to paint, I have learned so much from him.
My little man in his army gear, he’s so cute.
My husband was just given a very good raise at work and he didnt even ask for one, yay. Congratulations babe im so proud of you and it gos right along with what I have been telling you, you’re awesome and everybody knows it. I love you.
I get to spend all day with this beautiful little baby, i love it.
Happy baby girl
Today was an awesome and emotional day, today my first-born son graduated fifth grade. No more elementary school for him. Today as i watched him walk across the floor to get his certificate, i felt exactly the same as i did on his first day of kindergarten, i felt proud, anxious, nervous for what was to come, and kinda sad that my baby is growing up. I felt the tears coming, but i think i did pretty good at hiding it, i didn’t want to embarrass him on his last day! Now to my son, D.j. i know you will read this in a little while and i want you to know that i am so proud of the young man you are becoming, but just because you’re growing up doesn’t mean you aren’t my baby anymore. I love you more than anything and you will always be my baby boy. Love mom.
i was just nominated for the sunshine bloggers award by Deana at https://eatpraylovemom.wordpress.com/ thanks much hon, she is an awesome woman with a great blog, so if you dont already follow her you should definitely go do so. Its been a while since i was nominated for an award so im tickled.
Here are the rules:
You must thank the blogger who nominated you.
You must answer the questions asked by that blogger.
You must nominate another set of bloggers.
You must ask a few questions of your own to those bloggers.
Notify the bloggers you nominated about the nomination!
Here are the questions that Deana asked me
1. What is your greatest achievement this far in life?
Getting clean and sober, of course being a good wife and mother is up there to, but without dropping the pills and alcohol i wouldn’t be able to do those things very well.
2. Define the word LOVE
A never ending and overwhelming emotion, that is expressed through kindness and understanding and changes every person and every life in the world.
3. If you could go back in time and meet one person, man or woman, who would it be and why? Anne Frank, i have always been fascinated with her story and how strong and smart she was.
4. What is your favorite scent? It doesn’t have to be e perfume, perhaps just a smell that you like… Peach i love the way fresh peaches smell and motor oil, lol.
5. Quick. Type the first five words that come to your mind. Now go back and tell me what those words mean to you!! kids, crazy, love, monkey, wild, those words came to mind because i love my kids but right now they are acting like wild little monkeys and they’re driving me crazy, lol.
My questions for you are.
1. What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever done?
2. If you could change any law what would it be and why?
3. Tell me something that irritates you to no end
4. Do you think Obama is a good president? Why or why not?
5. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why?
and thats it, thanks again Deana. Make sure to check out all the bloggers i nominated, they do not disappoint.
My cat had 5 kittens aren’t they adorable.
Donnie will be starting preschool, Dominik will be starting kindergarten, and Dj will be starting middle school. Now for a long time I was considering home schooling them, just because it seems so dangerous to even send them to school anymore, (especially middle school) but at the same time I am looking forward to them going. I mean then I could start working a bit more and bring in some extra income. I am just so scared that something bad will happen ( like Newtown ) and Im not sure if these feelings of dread are me being paranoid or if they are completely justified?
On one hand I realize that the odds of something like that happening are very small but on the other hand if I send them to school and something like that did happen it is not going to make me feel better that the odds were slim. I don’t know I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest and see if anyone else out there has felt the same way, if so let me know how you handled or are handling it, cause I feel like im gonna go crazy.
So yesterday was mothers day and I had a pretty good one. We went to church yesterday morning where my little ones performed a song and dance with the other kids from church, they did so good. Then darrell left a little early so he could buy everybody lunch and I wouldnt have to cook,( helped a lot), and we lounged around the house some and later sat around the fire pit, also got a beautiful orchid from my hubby, a pretty flower from dj, a heart that dominik made and a book on horses from dustin.
Oh and a little $12,000 car from my wonderful husband this morning, I love it. It is so nice and so much easier to get the kids in and out of than the stratus was. Thanks babe I love you.
Hey everybody, i hope yawl are all doing good out there. I am doing great cause i got to go fishing this morning.
My hubby and i love to go fishin, we havent got to for a long time cause it to aggravating to take all the kids with us, but this morning my dad watched em so we went, and it was awesome. You know why it was soooo awesome? Because in almost 15 years i have never caught more fish than my husband but today i did, lol.
I caught the first fish and i caught more, Darrell caught 5 and i caught 7 (Bam What) lol. Anyway i had a great time and hopefully we’ll get to go again soon. Here are some pics of my awesome fisherman skills, not really today i just got lucky, but I’ll take it. 😉
So for those of you who dont know i am completely crazy when it comes to babies, i mean everybody who knows me knows that if there is a baby in our church or anywhere else like that, i will be holding the little cutie before i leave. If i didnt have so many complications with my pregnancies i would have 3 or 4 more, but anyway the point is i had a great week cause i got to babysit two of the cutest little babies. Which was a lot of fun especially cause they are both at that great snuggle age, all of my boys are pretty much past that now, my oldest is 20 and in college, i have my 11 year old who runs and hides if i try to hug him, my 5 year old will give me a hug and a kiss sometimes (depending on what kind of mood he is in, and my 3 year old just wants to smack me and run away. So it was awesome watching these 2 sweet little baby girls. Here are some pics.
Now im not just saying this cause they are my kids, but are these not 2 of the most adorable little boys you have ever seen? These pics were so precious i had to share them.
my husband bought me this beautiful plant the other day and i thought i would share some pics of it.
Its called a fuchsia plant and it is so vibrant and pretty, i just love it. I had to include a picture of my pretty pink dogwood in our front yard.
She doesnt feel pretty she hasnt for a while,
in the mirror when she looks she cant make herself smile.
The time of her beauty has passed her by,
her reflection proves it she starts to cry.
The mirror is no longer her friend,
but when its not near her she can still pretend.
The love of her life enters and says,
the more lovely you get with each day that passes,
if you really cant see this perhaps you need glasses.
You’re my life my love and i’ll tell you whats true,
i see nothing but perfection when i look at you.
She sees herself in his eyes,
and thats when she knows the mirror lies
To start with a 5 year old little boy named Noah Thomas went missing on sunday, he lived about 10 miles from me. More than a thousand people volunteered their services to find him, but sadly he was found dead in a septic tank right next to his house yesterday evening. I did not know this little boy at all but hearing that news broke my heart. In all honesty i dont know if the parents had anything to do with his death or not, i know that some of the details they provided seem shady to me but im not gonna judge them until there is a reason to, so my thoughts and prayers are definitely with them.
A few days after little Noah went missing my husbands grandmother passed away, her funeral was today, and even though i know she is not suffering anymore and she is in a much better place, it makes me so sad because this world was a better place for having her in it. She was the kind of woman that i hope i will be some day, she was 89 years old and still worked in her garden, she was the most loving and generous person you could ever meet, and she loved God with all her heart, i mean if you were in a room with her you felt like family, even if you didnt know her. She will be greatly missed.
And the other reason this week was rough is because our daughters birthday was yesterday which is always hard and on this day 7 years ago we were standing in the exact same funeral home for our daughters funeral. It was the first time we had been back to that funeral home and for it to be on the exact same day her funeral was, i guess it just hit me kinda hard.
I really hope that wherever you all are in this world, that your week is going better than ours is here.
Today is a not so easy day for me, you see today is my daughters birthday. Her name was Rain Mckayla and she passed away in 2008, if she were still with us she would be 7 years old today. I think about her and miss her every single day of my life but on this day the sadness is much greater. I can imagine all of the things we would be doing right now if she were with us, i would be fixing her hair and getting her ready for her party, where she would make birthday wishes and blow out birthday candles, and i would tell her how much i love her and how beautiful she looks in her birthday dress. But i cant do any of those things and my feelings about that range from extreme anger to unbearable sadness. Which is not easy to handle, so i wrote her a poem and i thought i would share it here.
My darling Rain you were taken from me years ago,
and yes you are in heaven this i know,
but i want you here with me to watch you play and grow,
So many things ill never see,
your sweet little smile or my beautiful daughter climbing a tree,
oh how i wish i could hold your hand and kiss your cheek,
and tell you how much i love you all through the week,
but i will talk to you every night when i pray,
and mommy will come home and be with you again some day.
and though no longer in my arms i will hold you in my heart,
and i promise we’ll never be far apart.
Happy Birthday Rain, mommy and daddy miss you and love you so much.
Hey everyone, sorry its been so long since I posted anything but life has been very busy, and to be completely honest I was just burnt out. But im back and im gonna try to get back to posting like I used to.
So anyway I had to share what my husband just bought me, it is so friggen awesome, check it out.
My amazing hubby dropped about 50 bucks for these things for me, and he doesn’t even like zombie stuff, pour guy now every day when he opens his eyes and looks up this is what he will see.
He has been picking up everything he sees that has anything to do with zombies or the walking dead, he must love me a lot to put up with my zombie obsession. I love you babe and thanks for my zombie.
Well I hope all yawl out there in bloggy land are doing good, talk to ya later.
A 2005 Honda Rebel 250, I love mine to. Nothing says romance better than 2 new motorcycles.